I Was Not Ready To Just Be A Mum And Nothing Else: Deepthi Boddupally

Being a woman is hard work, often filled with the hopes and burdens of others' expectations.

I remember hitting my sweet 16 and being in the prime of my teenage years, where I was influenced by American shows and movies where the youngsters took a break year, to travel, discover themselves and find what they wanted to do and become, sans the pressure of the India-specific forced choices between engineering and medicine as pre-defined career paths.

And while this was the expectation of my young self with a rose-tinted view of the world, I was getting marriage proposals! The first time it happened, I remember being appalled and taken aback. How could someone be thinking of getting me married at 16?!

But soon, it became the norm. At every wedding or social event I attended, dressed in ethnic garb, people were vying and asking for my hand in marriage. My parents politely turned them down.

Managing the Pressures of Society

And this went on for a decade as I didn't tie the knot till I hit 27. And much to everyone's disappointment as I chose the boy I wanted to marry and they lost out on a golden opportunity to play matchmakers.

At this point, the assumption would be that their inquisitiveness would pipe down, they got what they wanted. I was finally a married woman.

But no. It was far from the truth. Now the focus had shifted. ‘You must have a baby before it’s too late’, they said.  ‘If you wait for too long, you will have trouble’, they said.

I felt like a piece of fruit sitting on the shelf waiting to rot. Or a prescription medicine that was soon to expire. As the free advice kept flowing, I felt fear start to take shape within the crevices of my mind and let it overpower and become a mental monster.

But I braced myself to face it, and I owned my freedom over my body, and took my time.

Becoming a Mother

After six years of marriage and 33 hours of labour, I became a mum. At this point, balancing my career and a newborn was challenging. And the voices rose again.

‘Of course, you have to give up your career to take care of your family.’ ‘You have to prioritise your baby, can’t leave her with a nanny or in daycare!’, they said.

But I was not ready to just be a mum and nothing else. Postpartum was hard as it is, with no one acknowledging it as a phase that needs a larger focus on the mum. I started to feel invisible, insignificant and like I didn't matter. And working and getting back to what I used to do was more than a monetary gain for me. It was about building my confidence and finding a part of myself again.

As I was preparing to put my 6-month-old in daycare, the pandemic hit. I lost my job. And I hit a new low.

While the world expected me to be happy and joyous as a mother, I was grappling with a loss of a job, identity and possibly underlying postpartum depression. My every day was filled with changing diapers, and sleepless nights.

I felt like the background score of a busy movie adds a lot for the end-user but is often overlooked or forgotten.

Owning it all as a confident mother and a woman

I was aching to go back to work but the pandemic made it seem impossible - till I found and signed up with FlexiBees. I started slow as a content writer, working for a few hours a day. But soon gained confidence in my work and appreciation from my team. I grew professionally, strategising on the content, and contributing as a key marketing team member. I started feeling significant again, I was contributing my household income while working flexibly and remotely. The working arrangement suited my lifestyle while challenging me creatively.

And I thought I had it all. Now no one could say anything untoward about my mothering or career choices. I was home, caring for my child while still slowly building my career, like several women who have been placed by FlexiBees

While this comfortable reality expanded, the voices calmed down. For a while. But not before long, they started again. ‘She will be lonely. You will need to have another one before it’s too late.’ ‘She needs a sibling’.

I used to politely smile and ignore them. But now that my child is well past the 3-year-old mark, the voices have grown louder, persistent and relentless. They expect me to heed their advice

‘You cannot have too much of a gap between the two kids.’ ‘Don’t mind me saying, but you should be planning another one, right about now!’, they persisted.

While I want another child, I am not sure it will happen. I don’t know if I will have it in me to go through another pregnancy and birthing. Another year of breastfeeding, late nights and diapers.

Maybe I will adopt one. Even if it is not my own, I could still be a mother again. But this will not satisfy them. ‘Why would you adopt when you can conceive?’, they will say. I half anticipated the uphill climb of conversations this decision will bring. But it is my body. My choice. And I will make it when I am ready.

Being a woman and a mother is hard work, riddled with doubts, pressures and expectations. Often the choices we have are between a hard place and a rock. But this Mother’s Day, I want to take a moment to honour who I am, the choices I have made and how far I have come (despite what the world thinks of me). I own it all - the good bits, the guilty ones, the not-so-sure ones and the downright ugly ones.

And if you are a woman, who has been at the receiving end of society’s advice and struggled to make peace, I hope my story gives you the courage to smile and nod, and still make your own choices. Create your own story and #ownitall.

Happy Mother’s Day!

#OwnItAll is FlexiBees’ tribute to mothers, asking them to own all they have been through, all they have been, and all they ever wanted to be. This Mother’s Day, SheThePeople is proud to collaborate with FlexiBees to help bring stories of women who embraced challenges, took charge of their lives and returned to work, one way or another.

Suggested reading: As Stay-At-Home Mom, How I Dealt With Loss And Entered Workforce As Single Mother