The Quandary: Would You Hang Out With Your Ex?

Well, would you hang out with your ex? Befriend them with a touch of forbidden tease? Or, do you think it’s a disaster, a catastrophe in the making? After all, it didn’t work out last time, what guarantee is that friendship or casual socialisation will?

Breakin' up's the easy part

But staying away is so damn hard

'Cause when I see your face it takes me back

Hanging out with you's a trap…

…..I don't hang out with my exes (no)

We all have exes who cross our minds on a thunderous evening, taking us back to the times of what if.

What if we had worked out? What if we can still work out? What if that treacherous night never happened? What if it’s you, who’s meant to be?

These what-ifs choke your imagination, muddling you into remembering your ex and now, you suddenly think of hanging out with them. In no time, you are talking to yourself saying, “Well, hanging with him is okay, I mean I can still be friends. I am mature, not some needy, clingy person (absolutely not horny).”

Jokes apart, hanging out or being friends with your exes isn’t a big deal always. You aren’t being unfaithful as long as you are well-intentioned as to what we want with the friendship. Where is it going? If you and your ex have a good, clear line of communication and a healthy conversation, then it’s one of the most beautiful friendships to cherish. 

Your relationship might have ended, but you have known each other, seen the trials and tribulations, the joy and the grief, the likes and the dislikes, the small habits and crazy ones too. There is a nakedness involved (not the one you thinking). You don’t have to explain them what’s bothering you, the source of your misery, they know it. There is familiarity and companionship.  

So, let's delve into this hanging out with exes quandary.

But, first, let’s contextualise this. 

If you are single, 

Then, hanging out with exes isn’t a murky terrain. You are single, you don’t owe loyalty to anyone but yourself. You are free to do as you choose. If you let those what-ifs in, so be it. If your outing with an ex turns into a forbidden zone of unresolved desires, so be it. Everyone deserves a reckless night or two, especially if sexual tensions are pulling you close. Go on, live your nightmares (because let’s be honest, you did leave them for a reason so this will be regretful, even for a split second.)

If you have tainted history,

One that ended with a lot of pain, grief and trauma. If you end up hanging out with this ex, you can’t afford to be reckless even if you are single. Sometimes, unresolved desires take the form of unresolved trauma and you don’t want that. Because, you owe loyalty to no one but yourself and while every romantic, steamy movie has sexualised running into your exes (music in the background, butterflies in the stomach), your relationship probably wasn’t a fairyland and you weren’t treated as a princess. So, no hanging with an ex with a checkered past is not a healthy choice, especially if they/you aren’t emotionally there to look beyond the pages of history. 

If you are in a relationship,

Oh, the best kind of context: now you are dating someone else and you want to hang out with your ex. You say, “It’s just one evening, what’s the big deal? We are just friends, what could go wrong?

Navigating friendship with exes while being in a committed relationship can invite a lot of questions and unwanted emotions from your partner. Even if you are friends with them for purposes of security, comfort, practicality or probably you have known each other for more years than dated- whatever be the reason for friendship, your current partner might want an open conversation around it. 

The conversation can be awkward and personal. But, you owe that because relationships aren’t one-sided affair (situationships are). And, in this case- you are being friends with someone who you have been intimate with. You might probably be certain of a friendship but what if your ex still has unresolved feelings (or what if its you). That has the chance of affecting your current relationship. 

Feelings of insecurity and jealousy are a part of relationship, any relationship. So, you will have to sit with yourself, ask a few questions and have a proper conversation with your partner. If you feel they are unreasonable and stifling your freedom and independence, you are not wrong. If you both can’t establish a middle ground, it’s time to make a choice and let go. But, what’s important to know is that both the feelings are valid, just not for each other.

So, what’s the bloody big deal in being friends with exes, so much work (I know right). But, it’s work only if there is someone else involved. Your relationship with your ex is yours. Nobody defines it for you. But, any form of touch with ex is full of trembles and tease, so just be cognisant of what it has in store for you. Especially, if you are dating someone, you have to sit back and navigate the transcendent boundaries of love, liberation and longing because as Adele would sing, “Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead”.

Views expressed by the author are their own