Do Women Really Not Want Men In The Kitchen?

"Don't tell anyone," said my aunt when I saw Uncle peeling peas. Although I didn't react at that time, all I could think was why would she say that? Is she not happy that her partner is helping her in the kitchen? Then, I went back in time when my mother did something similar. She was resting after dinner and watching her favourite daily soap. That is the only time when I see her relaxed. Soon my father returned from work. He freshened up and looked at my mother resting. Like a gentleman, he went into the kitchen to pour some dinner for himself. Seeing him walk into the kitchen, my mother jumped out of the bed and rushed towards the kitchen. "I will get it for you," she told my father asking him to sit at the table. Why are women uncomfortable with men entering the kitchen? Do they really not want men to help them with housework? Or is there some other reason at play? 

Societal beliefs that women belong in the kicthen

In our society, women are conditioned to believe that housework is their responsibility. Since childhood, women are taught to make round rotis so that they can serve their families in future. Parents often say that they don't want to hear any complaints against their daughters from their in-laws. Even legal orders ask women to work in the kitchen after marriage.

The Delhi High Court, in a recent ruling, said that it is not cruelty if a husband asks his wife to perform household chores. A division bench of Justice Suresh Kumar Kait and Justice Neena Bansal Krishna said that a wife performing household chores cannot be equated with the work of a housekeeper. The judges said that performing household chores is a wife's love and affection for the family.

In a such situation, women automatically internalise that housework is their duty. When men try to do it, women feel guilty for ignoring their duties. Moreover, society has normalised the idea that men who work in the kitchen are not masculine enough. So women do not want their men to be shamed for helping their wives in the kitchen. 

Why does patriarchy thrive even today?

Because of this conditioning, many women fail to recognise the  love and support of their husbands. Moreover, husbands who want to help their wives in the kitchen aren't able to do so because of the fear of being shamed by society. Ultimately, gender discrimination remains the same despite the willingness to defy it. Isn't that sad? We are living in a democratic country with a modern outlook. And yet, we are not able to live as we want. Earlier, women were suppressed because they were not aware of the patriarchal institutions. Today, patriarchy is more visible than before but no one has the strength to question it.    

Is it right to divide work based on gender? Is it right to assume that women belong in the kitchen? When women can work in the offices, then why can't men cook? What is so 'feminine' about cooking or cleaning the house? These are the basic skills required for survival and so every human must be aware of them. Shame is in not knowing how to sustain yourself on your own. Not in trying to learn or help those who take up the job of caring for you.  

Stop associating shame with the idea of men in the kitchen. Stop gaslighting women that only they can handle the kitchen well. If men mess up in the kitchen, let them clean it. How long will women follow men to clean up the mess they create? Why are we even assuming that men will create a mess and women won't? If we normalise teaching men to do the basic household chores, can't we change this assumption?

For survival, one doesn't have to be perfect in the kitchen. They should know enough to be able to fill their stomach. And if women are perfect in cooking, they should be paid for it. When perfection is appreciated in every field with a paycheck, then why should we expect homemakers to be satisfied with "love and affection" of the family? So if you can't pay homemakers, then don't make the work exclusive to women. Share the load and let women pursue what they are actually perfect in.     

Views expressed by the author are their own