Dismantle 'Supermom': Raise Daughters Who Are Women Not Superwomen

From childhood to my adulthood, I have seen my mother working the entire day. Earlier she used to handle the kitchen, look after the children and our family, but now she handles all that and a business empire. There's no time for rest. She finds peace in worship but that lasts for a few minutes or a maximum of half an hour. After that, she is back to being the 'super mom'. She has internalised her role so much that she doesn't feel peaceful while resting and always wants to do something. Even though handling a business and going out is a respite, she is still the woman who can 'do it all'. Sometimes, when I compare my work to hers, I feel as if I have done nothing. At times, this makes me feel inferior and discouraged. But then I think, is being a superwoman even possible? 

In a viral video, actor Lara Dutta speaks about something similar, about the 'superwoman' syndrome. She said, "We have started projecting especially to the daughters we raise that we are strong women. Mom's got it all covered. I'm the wife, I'm the mother, I'm the sister, I am a career woman. I've got it all."

Adding further about how this projection gives a false idea to children about womanhood or motherhood, she said, "We give children this false sense. We allow them to grow up thinking that that's what a woman needs to be, that that's how you need to project yourself."

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Dutta then talks about how children, especially daughters, realise too late in life that their mothers are humans too. She said, "It comes too late in life the realisation when they are much old, that oh my God, my mother's a human. She has her faults. She has her bad days. She cries herself to sleep. She locked herself in the bathroom because she didn't want us to see her cry. Oh, my mom is manipulative. My mom sometimes is selfish."

Dutta further says, "It comes too late in life. It comes when they've already felt that I am supposed to be the woman who is not vulnerable. Everything needs to be okay with me. And I think this is something that we really need to address. Along with being these incredible, powerful women achievers, we also need to be able to raise a generation that knows that it's absolutely fine to not be okay. You can still do it all and have it all without being that perfect person. That nobody can sort of unruffled." 

The myth of superwoman or supermom 

Dutta's words hit home because they talk about the myth of superwoman or supermom that is prevalent in our society. Every woman is expected to do it all without complaining. As Dutta pointed out, mothers themselves project this idea of being superwoman on their daughters by not sharing about their bad days, their imperfections or their selfishness. My mother, for example, has internalised the idea of being superwoman to the extent that she often says that in life there is no time to rest or breathe. She believes women must balance it all, career and home, work and kitchen.

In Indian families, daughters are raised differently and are mostly influenced by their mothers. Men will grow up by seeing and internalising the behaviour of people of their own gender. Similarly, women too relate to their mothers and internalise everything that their mothers face or do. 

How the mother-daughter bond can be a breeding ground for change

However, it is this bond between mothers and daughters that can bring change. If mothers stop believing in the myth of supermom and stop teaching the same to their daughters, the women of the new generation will definitely have things easier. Daughters will understand that superwomen are just fictitious characters. Neither are their mothers invested with any superpower nor are any other women. The myth of superwoman is just a patriarchal construct to keep women on their feet throughout the day. It is not a compliment and neither an advice. A woman is as imperfect as any other human. She is not born with the skills to multitask.  

So I believe that mothers not only need to raise daughters as normal human beings with imperfections and ambitions but also unlearn the idea of supermom themselves. They need to be selfish, and opinionated and flaunt their imperfections not just to raise an empowered daughter but also to dismantle the stereotypes around motherhood and value their individuality encapsulated with all the rights and demands they deserve. 

After all, raising a generation is not the only goal of a woman. If a woman is a superwoman, she must be given or she already has enough power to destroy anything. If this threatens the patriarchy, maybe it needs to look at the dictionary and understand what superhumans and humans mean. 

Views expressed are the author's own.