A Relaxed Woman Doesn't Exist. Period.

Being a woman has always been tough. With every era, women's lives have been burdened with new challenges to face and new stereotypes to break. Every day, a woman has to explain herself to others who tend to dismiss her because of her gender. Every day, a woman has to take a stand because if she doesn't, she may end up losing everything she has earned. Every day, a woman has to please others so that she can create a sense of physical and emotional safety. Every day a woman has to fight because her life is always on the verge of death. But when do women relax? When do women give time to themselves? Just when do women get to say, "I am at peace"?

Relaxing and being at peace with oneself without feeling guilty or apologetic about it is a luxury for women in our society. A luxury that they can't earn even after toiling the entire day for the betterment of the family. In our society, it is very common for men to throw their shoes up in the air and relax on the couch with a table ready with steaming dinner and chilled beer. It is said that men have earned that time when they don't listen to any 'crap' about kids, household or family and just relax. But the one who works the entire day and still manages to set the table up for the man never gets to hear that it is her right to relax too.

When I asked journalist Oshi Saxena when was the last time she relaxed, the question got her thinking. She admits she never really relaxed or she remembers any such moment. "It is so hard for us to even think about having the luxury to relax because we already have so many things on our plate," she added. 

After a hard day at work, Oshi likes to sit back and read books to relax. She also likes cooking a meal for herself, talking to an old friend or inviting friends over for a cup of chai. But isn't it strange that she doesn't remember the last time she did all these such simple activities? That's how women in our society are conditioned. Having an unapologetic time to relax is something that women haven't grown up believing in.

As a child, I used to have very busy days. Long and tedious hours of schooling and tuition consumed my day. Even then, I had internalised in my mind that nighttime was supposed to be devoted to serving dinner to my father. I used to believe that it was a sign of a good daughter to serve your father without actually questioning why my brother was never asked to do it. 

But today, when I find myself relaxing, there is always this guilt that I am not doing as expected. Either I am not working properly or I am ignoring duties towards my family.  

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The fault in the conditioning of women

Women are not conditioned to have a spare time. They are expected to always do something to make the family happy. My mother never relaxes. She doesn't even take a nap. She wakes up early before everyone else does and keeps working till the day ends. When I ask her to relax or let things be, she becomes anxious and says, "I am not used to relaxing. I always want to do something." And it is not just with my mother. My aunts too find it difficult to just sit idle. 

Journalist-writer Tanya Savkoor too feels that her mother doesn't relax enough. Even though her mother takes a nap, Tanya feels that it is not enough for her well-being considering the amount of work she does. "My mother gets very little to relax. When she does, the family tends to look down upon her. Maybe not directly, but there is definitely some hostility anytime my mother chooses to take a break from her daily work. Some family members come into the kitchen to "check" what's taking so long for her to cook in a way reminding her to hurry up." 

Oshi Saxena too said that she has hardly seen her mother relaxing. "She just refuses to take a break," Oshi said. Her mother was working until two years ago when she took retirement. But even after retirement, Oshi recounts that her mother doesn't really take a break. She is always concerned about Oshi's welfare. "She wants me to take my medicines on time, meals on time and water on time. She is always invested in what I am doing or what I am taking. I think it comes from her motherly instincts but she doesn't prioritise her relaxing time."

The last time that Oshi felt her mother had taken a break was a few months after her retirement. "She picked on this new habit of maintaining a garden. So now when she waters the plants, sits by them and listens to some songs, I think that's when she feels relaxed. But taking a break is something I don't she's very keen on." 

Women relaxing is equal to being bad women

Women in our society are cared for or valued only until they are obedient and provide care to others. Society tends to be rude towards women who map their own lives. This is the reason why women sitting idle irks society. For society, women cannot have a life beyond the welfare of their own families. Women cannot possibly pick out a time for recreation. No wonder then that society ridicules women who go to beauty parlours, kitty parties or watch TV (it is assumed that the content women watch is always a waste). Such women are instantly judged for being too irresponsible, selfish, proud and even unfit for children. 

"There have also been times when some of my family members, especially the men, have indirectly (and sometimes directly) stopped her from going for a school reunion or a get-together with her friends saying she shouldn't be spending money or something silly like that," says Tanya recounting the experience of how her mother is stopped from going out. 

In my house, when my mother sits down to watch daily soap, she is often made fun of for wasting her time. She is reminded of her duty to spend her time with family rather than "destroying" her mind by watching daily soaps.

But who gives society the right to dictate what is the correct thing for a woman to do? Why should society decide how a woman should spend her day? 

The problem with the functioning of the society

It is not just that women are conditioned to not let themselves relax. The functioning of the society also makes it impossible for women to relax. What do we mostly tend to do when we want to relax? Go out, take a walk, sit under the tree or just lie down on a grassy field. But in the country where women are robbed and raped when they go out for a morning walk, do women really have the freedom to just loiter? Even staying at home to relax is not safe. Remember when Bollywood actor Alia Bhatt called out paparazzi for taking her intimate pictures when she was relaxing at her home?

Why is it so difficult for the society to see women relaxing? Why are women who sit idle targeted for being lazy, out of work or irresponsible? Are women supposed to work throughout their day without seeking a moment of peace? Are women supposed to think about their safety even when trying to be at peace? 

When relaxing is a basic human need, it should not be so hard for women. When men can relax in whatever way they want, women too should have that right. Relaxing is a need. It is not an excuse to get out of anything. And even if it is, isn't it better than staying in something that makes us uncomfortable?  

Views expressed are the author's own.