The 'Nag Paradox' Is Floating On Internet - How Does It Affect Relationships?

Every relationship between two people, whether it be marriage, friendship or partnership is tested by the perils of the 'nag paradox,' a complex yet commonly occurring phenomenon which is considered unsolvable by many.

The Complexities of the Nag Paradox

In talks with The Today channel, educator Laura Danger mentioned how she came up with the term 'nag paradox.' This is a common dynamic in relationships where one person is constantly standard setting, prioritising tasks, making lists and streamlining work whereas the other person is always handed out the task and told what to do.

This is where one person is always exhausted by taking primary responsibility for domestic work whereas the other person is tired of being told what to do every time. Not to the fault of any, but this behaviour stems resentment within both individuals. While both do contribute in their certain capacities there is exhaustion and mental load on both individuals. 

This resentment grows and disrupts the relationship between two people. It is not necessary that they have to be in a partnership, it can also be seen in platonic relations and friendships. One thing that Laura Danger found common in all these relations was the load on females. She studied that in all heterosexual relations, women fell in the 'nag' category and were always managing the logistical affairs and prioritising tasks around the household, Laura Danger added that the same dynamic is also seen in same-sex couples as well.

In an Instagram video Laura says, "When one person is decision-making, standard-setting and asking for help." She further adds, "The idea of nagging is that somebody’s upset about something that doesn’t matter. Domestic labour matters. Connecting with your partner matters. You’re not a nag for wanting partnership." 

She calls the nag paradox a "trap" which should be seen through by individuals. She adds that having children around complicates the relationship further because the stakes are much higher with kids around the household. Children also raise the baggage of responsibility on both parents and if it isn't navigated and steered properly, it can impact the kids as well. 

Reasons for the Recurrence of the Nag Paradox

The question remains why is the 'Nag Paradox' a commonly occurring phenomenon and is seen between any two close individuals living together? From siblings to friends and partners, people who live in close quarters and codependent relations do experience the nag paradox. Laura Danger explains that the basic structure of the nag paradox is mental and emotional exhaustion/ load but in most relationships, people "don't see emotional labour as labour." She adds that we don't consider making lists and delegating tasks as hard but just another menial chore, "We don’t see that work as taking up any kind of time, energy or mental space.”

The second reason she mentions is the media and how every movie and every sitcom has portrayed a nagging wife/ partner and an eye-rolling husband. This conventional dynamic has been taken off television and adapted into our lives so intricately that we don't recognise the load on our partners. The much-acclaimed sitcom 'Big Bang Theory' shows a couple, Bernadette and Howard who go through the nag paradox where Bernadette (wife) is always seen delegating, prioritising and taking the lead in domestic affairs whereas her husband Howard is told what to do every time which at certain times he feels is a threat to his masculinity. 

Another such couple is from the most loved sitcom 'F.R.I.E.N.D.S' which shows Monica as a standard setting person who is taking lead but her husband Chandler is seen hanging around being told what to do. Even though we never analyse these relations, they have always shown us this paradox in multiple ways.

The Resolution: Acknowledge and Verbalise

The resolve can be found within each other - compassion. It is to recognise each other's load and talk it out. Laura Danger suggests that the first step is to acknowledge that a work is being done or has to be done by both partners. The next step is to verbalise the work that has to be done in order to accomplish a task and bifurcate it. For example, while planning a vacation, partners can discuss who wants to book accommodations and flights, who wants to plan the itinerary, who wants to shop for clothes, who wants to pick out groceries?

These bifurcations not only divide the work but give partners a chance to choose the kind of work they might be comfortable doing and recognise their feelings instead of being told what to do or having to do everything by themselves. 

While these suggestions are extremely simple on the surface and draw a practical approach to solving most of the domestic quarrels, it ultimately depends on the two individuals. The first step of acknowledging is always the hardest because it means to communicate, to surrender your ego and break the conventional patterns.

Views expressed are the author's own.