Bringing Sex Toys To Bed: Will It Affect Your Relationship?

Yes, I like sex. I love it. I like spicing it up with bits of jazziness to sparkle the mood, battle the boredom, and unleash the animal. What better way to sprinkle a dash of excitement than sex toys? Yes, toys aren’t just for alone time. You and your partner can be as playful with them as you desire. I am not prescribing a manual full of sex toys that you can use to elevate your experience. You do whatever you want. Sex is your playground, pick your toys!

As many as 65% of women have at one time or another faked an orgasm. Penetration without additional stimulations isn’t the zone of climax for women as stats would prove. 81.6% of women don’t orgasm from intercourse alone (without additional clit stimulation). Only 18.4% of women report that intercourse alone is sufficient to orgasm. On the other hand, 95% of heterosexual men usually or always orgasm during partnered sexual activity compared to just 65% of heterosexual women.

Sexual pleasure is fundamental to our right to a wholesome lifestyle. But, this isn’t a widely discussed, recognised topic. The reason could be the “socio-sexual anxiety” situated within patriarchal structures. The patriarchy would choke if a woman, in bed, asked for what she desired for her pleasure. How dare she? Why should she climax? Why should she have the right to orgasm? 

Do women have the right to orgasm?

The answer to this is a roaring yes! And since vanilla sex has failed spectacularly in this department, we will be spicing it up and embracing the power of eroticism through cute, little sex toys. 

Introducing sex toys with your respective partners is a conversation to have. There has to be clear communication with expected awkwardness and initial hesitations, but it’s worth trying. In a context where there is a lot of societal stigma and weirdness around sex, in general, let alone sex toys, it will feel strange. It’s precisely because of the premise on which patriarchy is built which is the denial and suppression of women's naming and controlling their bodies for their joy and nurturing. 

So, it's very important to ensure everyone is on board for this. You can’t go on blaming your partner, especially if it’s a man if they aren’t particularly enthusiastic about it. We have to acknowledge that patriarchal reality is also prejudicial and crippling for men. Forcing a constructed idea of what/who a man is/ought to be, anything that has a remote chance of threatening their virility will not be embraced with open arms. So, the first pre-requisite in introducing sex toys is we need to be respectful, empathetic, and experimenting.

YES, YES, and YES!

So, I asked my friends whether they would introduce sex toys, and the majority of them said a loud YES with a few ready to explore, in the future. Delving into the nuances, Bhawana Bisht, 30, pointed out that sex toys can be introduced only after a certain point in a relationship when the walls of comfort are secure and high. “Yes, why not, but maybe after a certain time in the relationship when both the partner and I have settled in with our definitions of physical intimacy,” said Bhawana.

Resonating with the same idea of comfort, Pavi narrated her experience wherein the conversation about introducing sex toys had not gone the way she desired. Her partner wasn’t comfortable and saw it as a threatening force. She said, “The conversation did not go well as we were passing a sex toys shop in Mumbai and he seemed a little critical about sex toys and supported the ban on them in India.” This encounter sowed seeds of hesitation in her mind, which she ultimately overcame through a series of conversations and introspections. “This particular incident made me conscious of discussing sex toys with my current partner,” she said. 

“The best part was we both acknowledged that there would be some sex toys we might not be comfortable with and will only be bringing toys to bed with mutual consent,”, said Pavi, highlighting the importance of consent and the limitations. 

Shriya Tandon, 24, replied to me with an astounding YES and stated, “Exploring sex, particularly BDSM, is truly enjoyable and toys are an indispensable accessory for it. Besides, we can't deny that body parts can become limiting after a certain point."

Ah, Umm, Should I? Can I?

We all have felt the unsettling breeze of hesitation, haven’t we? For the smallest thing, we have overthought our decisions/thoughts/imaginations, so it’s expected that when it comes to sex toys, we would be drowning. Hesitation to use sex toys has a lot to do with the social perception of sex. It’s still a very stigmatised topic that is underlined by systemic patriarchal notions. Sex is simply seen as a chore, that needs to be performed for procreation. It’s not associated with pleasure, and thus, any conversation around sex and pleasure will always come with a touch of hesitation. 

But, to my surprise, almost everyone said they would feel no hesitation. To this fact, Shriya also had a very interesting statement, “Hesitation can creep in only if we use sex toys, or have a conversation every time we have sex. It might make my partner feel sex with him isn’t enough.”

Ananjan Singh, 28, said, “I won’t feel hesitation. But sex toys can be threatening for those men who are insecure about size or sex.”

So, while my acquaintances feel no hesitation around the delicacy of sex toys, it’s not necessarily true for everyone as these feelings don’t exist in isolation, but rather are defined by our socio-cultural context and exposure. Sex is still very much a taboo, a stigma, a calculated, mathematical chore for a lot of people. Moreover, your perception of sex is very much also defined by your lived experiences and sexual journey.

Am I not enough? 

Another very delicate territory that one would have to cross would be the very presence of sex toys. Are they threatening? Can they be replaceable? 

It’s a fact that the chances of women orgasming to a vibrator are better than through penetration. We all know the power of masturbation, the very idea that we are not dependent on anyone for our pleasure is powerful. So, it’s very reasonable to think whether the same can be said about sex toys. 

Sex toys are threatening only if the other is insecure. It’s threatening only if the other is guided by socially enforced conceptions of masculinity. It’s threatening if you are selfish in bed and prioritise your pleasure, and yours alone. It’s threatening if it starts being the thing you look forward to when having sex. It's threatening only if you let it replace. 

As stated by Pavi, “Not threatened per se, but the extensive use of sex toys in bed could potentially lead to a heightened dependency on sex and a scenario may arise where the absence of sex toys could hinder the enjoyment of sex without them. There is no feeling of threatening as he does not wish to take the ‘pressure of pleasure’ alone.”

And on the question of whether they are replaceable or not, it’s foolish to assume that because pleasure doesn’t just emanate from mechanical thrusts and grunts, it’s deeply guided by raw emotions which vibrators and dildos can’t ever. The build-up to sex, the foreplay can’t be satisfied by a dildo, it needs raw emotions that machines aren’t capable of. 

To reiterate, sex is your playground, you can make the rules, and break them. In short, do as you like. Sex toys are especially a way for women to break the shackles of stereotypes and stigma around sexuality. 

I mean, if we just lie in bed, they call us a corpse. In the powerful series, SHE on Netflix, the protagonist's husband called her a “Zinda laash” because she wasn’t as kinky as he expected. But, Kiara Advani was slut-shamed in Lust Stories for being kinky and experimenting. So, pray tell us, what the fuck do you want?

Since they would take a while to come up with an answer, why don’t you go and play with your toys? 

Views expressed by the author are their own