End-Date Split Decisions: Are We Still Debating Who Takes The Tab?

Picture this– You’re engrossed in a hearty conversation about your favourite childhood memories, completely lost in the moment. Sitting across from you is an enthusiastic date, eager to hear more of the story and chuckling at your little quirks. The date is going just as you’d watched in the movies, leaving you wondering, ‘Will this night end with a memorable peck?’, ‘Have I just met my soulmate?’.  Just as you ingest the last swig of your fancy cocktail, the bill arrives and suddenly the air thickens. The question of who reaches out for the invoice can now steer the course of the rest of the night. 

Paying the bill at the end of a date has always been somewhat of an awkward situation, as people generally view this as a character judgment. As society associates money with power, taking the tab after a date can set a definitive tone for the roles in a relationship. 

More Than Just About Money

As we are continually striving to let go of regressive and heteronormative societal expectations, you would think that paying the bill at the end of a date has become less of a topic of contention. However, ironically it has become more potent in directing a person’s judgement of their date. 

Some people also use this bill payment saga as a report card for how the date went. Priya Prakash from Gurgaon shared an example that proves this. She recounted her experience from a not-so-ideal rendezvous when she used the invoice to send a no-frills message.

She narrated, “I recall it happened a few weeks after my breakup. A new guy asked me out multiple times, and I eventually agreed to go on a date… I was so convinced it wouldn't lead anywhere that I didn't want him to cover the expenses. That's why I insisted on paying for the entire meal.” Paying for the entire meal was not just a polite gesture to Priya Prakash, but more like an expression to stand her ground. 

In fact, many people strongly opine that the person who pays for the entire meal is issuing a cryptic message about whether they like their companion for the day or not. I recall a man once looking perplexed and upset after I insisted on splitting the bill after our amusing date, the first of potentially many more. He later told me that in male language (according to his social circles), a woman paying after a date alludes that she did not enjoy the man’s company.

To summarise this belief that many people agree with, ideally, a man should be ‘allowed’ to take the tab after a date if both parties enjoy it. Although you would assume that men would be more than happy not to pinch their wallets, that is not the case. Society has ingrained this so-called “chivalry” in their men, making them believe that it is their 'duty' to pay for the lady. If a woman insists on paying, be it fully or for her share, it is considered a code of disapproval. However, most women do not see it that way.

Why Women Find This Belief Odd

Most women insist on paying after a date simply out of courtesy and as an expression of financial liberty. However, when people force their ingrained patriarchal views on gender roles, it feels like a tug at women’s wings of independence. 

Aditi Sukumar from Bengaluru said that her “biggest ick” is when a date insists on paying for the entire meal even when she asks otherwise. She explained, “I feel like whenever a man is so persistent on not letting me pay, they are trying to dominate me. I’m not sure if that is truly their intention but, to me, it feels like they don’t think I am capable enough to pay. Plus they can use it against me in an argument one day and I just do not want to give them a chance.”

Boundaries and Roles 

While some people insist on paying full purely out of love, they require boundaries to understand the extent to which their dates want to be pampered. This is because people feel obligated and resentful when they do not get the chance to reciprocate the exorbitant gestures, which eventually turns the relationship sour.

Ishika Thanvi from Mumbai believes communication about expectations before dates is vital to avoid this. “I think that the overall ‘burden’ of paying after a date does fall upon men [according to society’s expectations] and that is not fair since not every man is in a position to… I think that's why it's important to have a conversation about this before. Ask them if they want to split, if they have cash, if they can split, etc.”

Splitting the bill or communicating about sharing expenses, especially after the first date, sets the tone for dividing roles in a relationship right from the basis. Paying the bill need not be as awkward as it is made out to be, as opening discussions about financial expectations should come easy when regressive beliefs and gender norms are let go.

Moreover, these conversations are not set in stone, as they give space for open communication every time. Short on money today? Promise to pay for the next date. Simple as that! Not only does communicating about expectations and leaving room for flexibility avoid awkward conversations about financial crunches, but it also breaks away from harmful and rigid patriarchal conventions.

Views expressed by the author are their own