We Spend A Fortune On Weddings Without Preparing Couples For Realities Of Homemaking

Home is more than just a physical space; it’s where our lives unfold, where our memories are made, and where we seek comfort and connection. However, the transition from being cared for in our childhood homes to creating and maintaining a home with our partner can be surprisingly challenging. This is something I realized, like many others, only after the honeymoon phase of my marriage wore off. Armed with professional degrees and ambition, I was prepared for the demands of my career but not for the intricacies of homemaking. I found myself like a fish out of water, struggling to balance my professional life with the demands of creating and maintaining a home.

Parameters Of Homemaking Have Changed Drastically - Are Couples Prepared For It? 

In those early days, I often wished I had kept a journal to document the challenges I faced. It would have been a testament to how much I’ve grown and learned over the years. My husband and I both had professional lives, but we were so accustomed to having our mothers take care of everything at home that we weren’t prepared for the responsibilities that came with marriage. Misunderstandings and frustrations crept into our relationship, and there were times when we just wanted to escape from it all. It was during one of those getaways that we had an honest conversation about the root of our frustrations. We realized that when the burden of household responsibilities was lifted, we were happy with each other. But as soon as those responsibilities loomed over us, we became irritated, and our home felt less inviting.

This isn’t just my story. Through my work as a life coach, I’ve had countless conversations with other couples who share similar experiences. The parameters of homemaking have changed drastically, and no one is really prepared for it. The traditional image of homemaking—women-led and perfect—doesn’t align with modern realities. If you have a home, whether you are a man, woman, or child, you are a homemaker. We all have a role to play in making our home a safe and nurturing space.

When couples come to me, one of the first things I do is guide them through a series of processes designed to help them uncover what they truly desire for their home. Often, societal pressures, social media influences, and traditional expectations cloud their vision of what they really want. Many couples fall into the trap of trying to live a "copy-paste" home life, mimicking what they see around them rather than creating a space that reflects their unique needs and desires. This can lead to frustration and dissatisfaction, as their home no longer feels like a place of comfort and support.

Through these processes, I help couples break free from external influences and connect with their true desires. We explore what a home means to them individually and as a couple, and we work together to design a space that aligns with their values and lifestyle. This personalized approach allows them to create a home that is not only functional but also a source of joy and harmony.

The lockdowns brought this reality to the forefront. Suddenly, our homes were not just where we lived; they became our offices, schools, and safe havens. The traditional concept of homemaking—maintaining a perfectly clean and organized space—no longer sufficed. Homemaking is not about fulfilling society’s expectations of a perfect, designer space. It’s about knowing and accepting each individual in the household, owning up to their needs, and creating systems that nurture each other.

When we reflect on our lives, we often find that our first happy memories are tied to our homes. It’s where we seek acceptance, where we first felt rejected, and where we turn to when we’re in trouble. Home is much more than a physical space; it’s the emotional and psychological foundation of our lives. Despite this, we spend a fortune on weddings without preparing couples for the realities of homemaking. There should be a mandatory course for new couples that teaches them how to navigate this new chapter of their lives.

Intrapersonal relationships, setting up household systems, managing finances, and finding ways to work together as a team are crucial skills that are often overlooked. Our traditional setups don’t work efficiently anymore. While they may have provided guidance on how to maintain a relationship in the face of external influences, today’s challenges are different. Social media is not an external influence; it’s in our homes, demanding our attention. Our desires and expectations are higher than ever, yet there is no course that teaches us how to harmonize our lives in this new environment.

HHH: Hear, Hold, Help

One of the techniques I often recommend to couples is called HHH: Hear, Hold, Help. When a partner approaches you, ask whether they want to be heard, held (with a hug or cuddle), or helped with a task. This simple technique can be a game-changer in communication and understanding within a relationship.

In addition to interpersonal communication, household management is a key aspect of homemaking. For many couples, this includes staff training—whether it’s hiring and training a maid or outsourcing certain tasks to technology, like using a dishwasher. It’s important to recognize that the environment of the house should support the desires and needs of the couple. Decorating the home should not be about adhering to societal expectations or following generic templates. It’s about creating functional spaces that work for your family. For example, if you find that you’re constantly running out of towels in the bathroom on busy mornings, create a system where your staff ensures that more than two towels are always available.

It may sound mundane, but these small systems are essential to maintaining a harmonious home. The tone of your day is often set at home, so it’s important to create an environment that supports positivity and productivity. As an army wife, I relocate every two years, and with each move, I take the time to assess the weather and resources in the new location to draw up a system that supports me, my husband, and our child. When my parents or in-laws visit, I’ve trained my staff on how to implement a new system to accommodate their needs. While I may take a break from time to time, the systems I’ve created are not dependent on me to function, so household tasks are always taken care of.

Well, homemaking is not about perfection or meeting society’s expectations. It’s about creating a space that nurtures each individual in the household. It’s about communication, systems, and finding balance. When we approach homemaking with intention and understanding, we create homes that are not just places to live but spaces that truly support and uplift us. By taking the time to understand what we truly desire and designing a home that reflects those needs, we can move beyond frustration and create a home that is a sanctuary for all who live there.

So, as you reflect on your home, ask yourself: Is your space truly nurturing your needs, or are you simply living someone else's idea of home?

Authored by Rachita Chauhan, actor, author and life designer. 

Views expressed are the author's own.