How Patriarchy Manipulates & Pits Sisters-in-Law Against Each Other

There’s a line often echoed in discussions on feminism, a line both controversial and widely acknowledged: "Women are women's enemies." It's a provocative statement that emerges time and again, particularly in debates defending the cause of gender equality. People struggle with the confusing reality of women criticizing, competing against, and even denigrating other women. It's a phenomenon observed not only in broader society but often within the intimate confines of familial relationships. Sisters, sisters-in-law, and other female relatives sometimes find themselves locked in bitter disputes, marked by envy, competition, and animosity. Well, I can't refute it because I've seen it all. However, I have a single reaction, or rather a question: for whom are they fighting?

In India, where familial bonds hold immense significance, these intra-familial conflicts among women are particularly pronounced. Take, for instance, the complex dynamics between sisters-in-law, referred to colloquially as Nanad, Jethani, and Devrani. These relationships, fraught with tension and discord, often lead to divisions within households, with blame inevitably falling on the shoulders of women for fracturing familial harmony.

But what drives these conflicts? Why do women, who share not just a gender but familial ties, find themselves at odds with one another?  It's a question worth exploring, and perhaps I can offer some insight.

Enduring Through Tradition

Throughout history, a tradition has persisted where women find themselves in strained relationships with their  sisters-in-law upon marriage. The underlying cause? Patriarchy. This centuries-old tactic serves to pit women against each other, eroding unity, sisterhood, and the very fabric of feminism itself, which poses a threat to patriarchal dominance. For decades, women have been trained to engage in debate with other women in their households. The struggle is driven by a desire to satisfy the family patriarchs.

In the past, patriarchal figures wielded immense control over family dynamics. Women were expected to conform, veiled under 'ghoongats' and silenced in their presence. A 'good bahu' was one who adhered to these norms, deemed 'special' by patriarchal standards, solely to serve their whims. Yet, access to these patriarchs was limited, creating a coveted 'privilege' for women. This privilege, however, was attained through competition—competition among women themselves. Unable to confront the patriarch directly, women turned on each other, vying for favor and status within the family hierarchy. Thus, a tradition was born: women engaging in battles not against the true oppressors but against each other, all in the search for 'patriarchal validation'.

While modern times have seen women gain greater agency in family matters, this deep-rooted tradition persists. The fear of losing control, the desire for dominance—these echoes of patriarchal conditioning stay-put, leading to a cycle of competition and conflict within familial bonds.

Why It's Important to Put an End to This Conflict

But, do you know? This struggle is similar to a group of individuals racing for a single slice of cake. Women unknowingly internalise and crave the 'privilege' that is simply a mask for slavery. Women feel that having control over the kitchen and domestic matters is the only way they can be powerful and independent. But no. Gaining ownership of the house will not grant you the freedom to make your own decisions, live on your own terms, or criticise people you disagree with. For ages, you will be limited to the confines of your home and the patriarchal responsibilities that women are expected to perform. You won't get the autonomy and independence that will genuinely make you happy, privileged and independent. 

How to End the Fight and Embrace One Another

Rather than being at odds with each other, imagine if women within the same families engaged in meaningful conversations. These dialogues could pave the way for understanding, where the shared experiences of women converge. Within these conversations, the barriers of restrictions, struggles, criticisms, and silences could break down, allowing tears to flow freely, which in turn, could be wiped away by one another. Through these shared struggles, women could develop a profound sense of empathy, forming the foundation of sisterhood.

But empathy alone may not always be enough. Women may find themselves in situations where they need to support and protect each other from the oppressive forces of patriarchy, such as domestic violence, oppression, and marital rape. Admittedly, some women, blinded by societal conditioning, may inadvertently perpetuate patriarchal violence against their own kin. Yet, their actions stem from a flawed understanding of independence and an absence of awareness regarding women's rights. Many accept violence as the norm, a byproduct of their upbringing.  However, education, particularly in feminist ideologies, women's rights, and legal frameworks, can be enlightening  Armed with knowledge, women can champion each other's rights, refusing to tolerate any encroachment on their autonomy.

Conversations, empathy, and education form the bedrock upon which familial conflicts can be resolved. Equipped with these tools, women not only support one another but also challenge the patriarchal forces that seek to pit them against each other. That, dear women, will be independence—the gleaming ray of uniting and fighting against injustice. 

Views expressed are the author's own.