Love In Colour: Navigating Relationships Beyond Red And Green Flags

“Oh! He is such a green flag, nahi bhai, pura ka pura green forest hai bhai! No yaa, he is such a red flag. F*cking chalta-firta red carpet!!” Very recently, social media users were having their very ‘aww’ moment when Ranbir Kapoor protected Alia Bhatt from the crazy crowd during the Ram Mandir Pran Pratishta ceremony. Ranbir Kapoor, who has often been called “toxic”, a “red flag” suddenly is the “green flag”. In fact, in her post appreciating him for Animal’s success, Neetu Kapoor can be seen sitting on a sofa and Ranbir is massaging her legs. This also melted so many hearts, compelling the same section to hail him as the “greenest flag”.

Cute, ain’t it?

Has everything exploded disproportionately?

In ‘Development as Freedom’, Amartya Sen observed how in today’s age and time, everything has exploded disproportionately, thanks to social media. This social explosion of a cause disparages its essence, tainting it with inconclusive, subjective opinions. In contemporary times, we are grappling with the ever-so, fast-paced technology where nothing is personal.

In the 1960s, when radical feminists chanted the slogan, ‘the personal is political’, little did they know that people would become postmodernists and throw its universal interpretation in a trashcan. 

Everyone has an opinion and as Edward Beatrice Hall said, “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it”, everybody has the right to express it. So, people have taken the liberty and started de-personalising a very personal aspect of one’s life- their intimate relationships. We, truly, are the best learners! Every comment section is inundated with flagbearers who are carrying their respective “red and green flags”. One day, Ranbir Kapoor is a green flag, the other day he is a red flag. One day Ankita Lokhande is a red flag, another day her husband is the one. 

But, these flagbearers haven’t stopped here but coined versions of these terms. Some people are the ultimate ‘red carpet’ and ‘green forests’, if you know you know. Love the creativity, but if only used judiciously!

So, what does this imply? Who is a green flag? Who is a red flag? 

Claude Levi-Strauss, the anthropologist, furthered the idea of structuralism arguing that binaries formed the “basic structure of all human cultures” and “all human ways of thought”. It deconstructs and constructs our social realities into dualities: black versus white, male versus female, and good versus bad; leaving no room for subjectivity and lived experiences. Likewise, ‘red flags’ and ‘green flags’ are binaries that are being used to assess certain behaviours.

As suggested, a ‘red flag’ is a negative trait, behaviour, or action that warrants caution. It can be your partner is controlling, insecure, cancels on plans all the time etc. On the other hand, a ‘green flag’ is a positive trait, behaviour or action that you see in a person like they are understanding, great listener etc.  

But are these red and green truly so black and white? Or, is there room for some grey, purple, yellow, and spots of Barbie pink? 

Imagine, you just had a bad fight with your partner, and both of you said some really bad shit to each other. After the fight, you are simply scrolling your Insta feed and words like ‘red flag’, and ‘red carpet’ pop up and your mind wanders in the green forest of imagination, “God, is he a red flag? Is this something not acceptable that I should have seen coming?” Or worse (the torture of self-awareness), “Am I a red flag? Am I projecting my insecurities on him?”

But, how prudent is it to paint life-altering decisions like relationships, which is a grey area full of complexities and nuances, with throws of red and green? Let’s take a breather, get off the comment section and understand how these socially constructed, colour-coded binaries don’t grasp the essence of the murky terrain of relationships. I will give you some major red/green flag assumptions and establish how they are just assumptions, not universal truths. 

So, one of the major red flags, especially for the millennials, is ‘insecurities’. So, if your partner is insecure, it's a red flag girl, run! Am I right? But, one second, halt, pause and think- aren’t we all just fragile beings, some more than others? When Ranveer Singh says, “I am a fragile!”, we love it but the chaotic judgements of social media deafens and blur us from considering that insecurities stem from past experiences, one where you were wronged and left to pick your pieces. Our fragility isn't to be tolerated. So, yes, one time when someone shows you love, you self-sabotage and doubt because the world was unkind and taught you to lick it off knives.

Let’s consider a major green flag now, an ever-so-understanding, selfless partner. I encountered one, personally. He just ticked all the boxes for me- feminist, supportive, selfless, undemanding, secure, envious; you get the gist! Dream, ain’t it folks? But guess what, he had a girlfriend and he was going to break up but oh, he hadn’t yet. 

If we keep labelling people, then how can we forge any relationship? Because people come with baggage as they have lived and are living their lives. John Stuart Mill said, we gather experiences based on the diverse circumstances we allow ourselves to be in and that truly is what freedom and liberty look like. So, if these labels are true, then let’s stop being free and cage ourselves in green and red walls.

Relationships are multifaceted and dynamic, but mostly personal. Love is a subjective emotion, universally accepted but experienced differently. We all want to be loved but we all will love differently because there is no blueprint, a manual on how to love. Feelings are birthed from experiences, past or present. What works for one might not for another because we all live different lives. Partitioning love into colour blocks of red and green deprives us of truly understanding each other. In a world where people are too quick to pass on a judgement, with little to no room for empathy, it’s hard to navigate the obscure territory of relationships. 

I can be an insecure person and an understanding person, at the same time. I can be supportive and yet clingy. I can be assertive and yet dependent. I am a myriad of contrasts, a symphony of virtues and flaws, woven into the poetic tapestry of existence. So, how can one person be all red or all green? We are fallible beings, painted in hues of days and nights, just trying to make sense of this life. What is important to understand is that there is no one-size-fits-all thing in relationships, rather it's built on the idea, of “to each their own”. 

End of the day, we all just want to be understood and accepted. But, this trend has allowed the wretched world to win.

Life is a kaleidoscope of hues, meant to be lived in a world painted with strokes of rainbow, so why partition ourselves with red and green? Throw a splash of yellow, pink, purple or whatever the fuck is your favourite colour, man. Just paint the town!

Views expressed by the author are their own.