Mom Shaming - Ugly Part Of Judging A Mother For Being Different From You

Time to wake up and smell the coffee for the society that feels “Mom-ing” is a natural thing for all women and it is an easy breezy experience of instant connection with her newborn and a realisation of womanhood through her uterus. It is as archaic as making our grandmothers look like goddesses, who in truth, had no choice in the number of children they bore, where their entire youth and life was spent delivering one child after another. This definitely isn’t something that they wanted but unfortunately did not have the cognitive ability to articulate their mental and physical state, due to the lack of support and conversations around motherhood, its trials and tribulations for women. 

Motherhood - Damned If You Don't, Damned If You Do

The recent incident of a young mother in Chennai who died by suicide for an accidental case of her seven-month-old child who slipped from between her arms and was also miraculously saved by her neighbours has been a subject that again throws light on the utter despondency of an un-evolved mindset. A mindset, that considers motherhood is supposed to be nothing less than divinity which is the greatest gaslighting that goes unreported due to the shaming involved and placing mothers on a pedestal. A woman’s life is complete only if she delivers a child. 

Sadly, this young mother was unable to bear the videos, online discussions and shaming of how inefficient a mother she was, that her child slipped from her arms. 

When one analyses the humongous judgement around motherhood, one will find that everything that she does is questioned. If a mother feeds her child in public, she runs the shame of exposing her breasts which can arouse a man and then the repercussions are not his fault. If she does a formula feed, she is not motherly enough to lactate enough for her child. If a mother decides to give the vaccinations to the child, maybe she is overlooking the poison that is being injected into her baby. If the mother seeks free time from her child, she is considered selfish and if she pursues a career, she is too ambitious and should have not chosen motherhood. 

A woman is damned if she doesn’t want children and if she has children she is judged for being too protective, not vigilant enough, too involved or too lackadaisical as a mother. 

Where does a mother go? To find the right formula to shield her vulnerable mind and body post-childbirth. And save herself the criticism of right versus wrong in the process from pregnancy to childbirth. 

Many mothers and mothers-in-law have a huge role to play in this abominable situation. They are mostly misogynistic women who carry forth the patriarchy into the lives of their daughters-in-law and sometimes also their own daughters. 

Post-Partum Depression, PPD, among rural women isn’t even remotely comparable to the inaccessibility she has versus an urban woman. In rural parts, women experience high levels of parenting stress, and a poor lifestyle, with very little support from their partner, parents-in-law and parents. Also, less marital satisfaction, and high intimate partner violence, which in turn aggravates poor bonding with infants and higher infant-focussed anxiety. 

The death by suicide of the mother in Chennai points a finger at all of us who at some level have judged a woman on her parental instincts, skills and abilities. This regressive culture of overlooking the violence meted out towards a woman by dismissing her mental state needs to be addressed at its earliest. 

“I recall how mothers said to me that they lactated so much that they could fill multiple bottles of feed for their children, whereas I was struggling with one bottle of feed that I could store in the refrigerator, it definitely made me feel lesser, and guilty for not being able to produce enough milk for my newborn. I remained ashamed of my capabilities to be a perfect mother for my baby.”

Mohua Chinappa is a poet, and author who runs two podcasts called The Mohua Show and The Literature Lounge. She is also a member of a London-based non-profit award-winning think tank called Bridge India.

Views expressed are the author's own.