Loving Today, Abusive Tomorrow: How Domestic Violence Has A Pattern

Domestic violence is a pervasive issue among women in our society. Nearly 30 per cent of married women in India face domestic violence. But how many women walk out of their toxic marriages? Very few. Some women do not leave the marriage because of lack of financial support. Some are forced by their families to adjust but some refuse to believe that their partners are toxic. And this lot of women face the worst battle. 

In our society, domestic violence is considered to be a part of the wear and tear of marriage. It is seen as a family matter that shouldn't be interfered with by anyone - not even the law. However, some women do not even consider it as a problem. They are confused between choosing the love that their husbands have for them and the violence that sometimes erupts. But dear women, love and violence can never stay together.

The pattern that some toxic partners follow

Many toxic partners follow a pattern when it comes to exhibiting their toxicity. Sometimes they are so caring and loving that no one can ever say that they abuse their wives. But the next moment, they smash things, bruise their wives and turn the marriage into a nightmare. Because of this phased behaviour, women get confused if their partners really love them. The minute they begin to feel loved and supported, the partners' sudden change into animalistic behaviour makes women disoriented. But then the next day comes when the partners issue an apology that is hard to reject. 

In such a situation, how can a woman make a sane decision? How can she be sure that leaving her partner would be the right decision? Most of the time, the thought of leaving fills women with guilt for ignoring the feelings and apologies of their partners. But if they continue to stay in the marriage, they are subjected to the horror of the unpredictability of their partners' behaviours.

Such women, despite being empowered with financial independence or legal powers, choose to toil in abusive marriages. They not only face physical pain but also mental abuse due to the manipulation. Their inability to arrive at a decision makes them feel alone and helpless. 

But, a slap is enough to end a marriage 

Dear women, the only thing you need to remember in this situation is that even one slap is more than enough to end a marriage. In fact, according to the new laws, mental abuse too is a criminal offence in marriage. Yes, it is difficult to deny that your husbands love you when they show their affection in elegant ways. But nothing can justify abuse in marriage. 

Maybe, those toxic partners are themselves subjected to gaslighting due to ingrained traumas and societal definitions of toxic masculinity. No matter how much soft corners they have for their wives, they are overpowered by the male ego and gendered upbringing when they exhibit toxic behaviour. But still, this doesn't mean that women stay in their marriages and rehabilitate their husbands whilst suffering every day. Such men first need grooming about how to be human and only then should they become husbands.

So, dear women, don't be fooled into believing that abusive men are innocent and need second chances. As it is rightly said by the flight attendants that before caring about others' safety, you need to save yourself. Kindness and humanity are all important to sustain a society. But expecting that only from women is not justified. 

Views expressed are the author's own.