Can An Incompatible Couple Be Good At Parenting?

The Bombay High Court, in a recent ruling, said that adultery might be a ground for divorce but not for deciding the custody of a child. The court made this judgement while quashing the plea of former Mumbai legislator's son who demanded to get the child's custody which was offered to his estranged wife in February 2023 by a magistrate court. The bench headed by Justice Rajesh Patil said, "There is no doubt that being ‘not a good wife’ does not necessarily mean that she is ‘not a good mother’. Adultery can be grounds for divorce; however, it cannot be a reason for denying custody." 

As per reports, the couple got married in 2010 and had a daughter in 2015. However, in 2019, the man alleged that his wife left the matrimonial house. However, the wife said that she was ousted from the house. The man's lawyer, Indira Jaising, presented evidence of multiple affairs of the estranged wife based on which the man claimed custody of the nine-year-old daughter.  

Lawyer Jaising further said that the school authorities had complained to the man's mother about the changed behaviour of the daughter. The man said in his plea that the daughter should stay with him and his parents. 

Judge's stance on the custody of the child

However, the court rejected this argument saying that why would school authority connect with the paternal grandmother of the child when her parents are well-educated? The court said, "According to me, the school authorities have no reason to inform about the issues relating to the minor girl to the grandmother, who is a politician, when both parents are available, well-educated, and the mother is a doctor."

Justice Patil further said that the daughter was a minor in her pre-puberty age. In such cases, the welfare of the child is paramount. The court further observed that the girl was being taken care of by her maternal grandmother and her academic records during her custody with the mother were good. 

History of the case

In 2020, the estranged wife filed a police complaint against her husband and in-laws for harassment, assault, and criminal intimidation. She also alleged that her daughter was taken away from her. She also filed a complaint under the Domestic Violence Act before the magistrate's court and a plea for child custody at a family court. 

In February 2023, the family court gave her custody of the child and allowed access to the husband. However, a year later, when the daughter went to her father's residence for a weekend, the father refused to let her go. 

Now, the high court has quashed the man's plea to get the child's custody and has directed him to give the daughter back to the mother by April 21. 

A similar judgement was made by the Punjab and Haryana High Court stating that a man or a woman can be good parents even if they are not morally good. Read more about it below.

Similar case    

The Punjab and Haryana High Court has observed that a man and a woman might not be compatible as couples but they can be good parents. The court said this while addressing the case of a father who wanted the custody of his minor daughter from her mother. 

The court, headed by Archana Puri, said that cases of the custody of kids should be dealt with by keeping the welfare of the kids in mind, and not the individual rights of the parents. She said, "A man or a woman may be bad for someone in a contextual relationship, but the same does not necessarily mean that the person is bad for his/her child. A mother or father may be morally bad in the societal sense, but that parent may be good for the child. The so-called morality is created by society, based on their ethos and norms and should not necessarily reflect in a contextual relationship between the parent and child,"

What Did The Court Rule?

After hearing the case, the Punjab and Haryana High Court decided to give custody to the mother. Observing that the daughter was a minor, the court said that the mother's care is more important to her currently. She can be the best friend, guide and mentor of the daughter. The court also said that it is normal for the couple to impose charges on each other to depict the other as unworthy of custody.

 "In the circumstances, unless and until, there is proven bad conduct of one of the parents, which makes him/her unworthy to claim the custody of the child concerned, the question can and shall be decided, solely looking into the question as to, 'What would be the best interest of the child concerned," the court remarked. 

My Parents' Marriage Was Marred By Domestic Violence And Adultery

This case reminds me of the situation of my family. My parents got married years ago but they could never be compatible with each other. As a result, regular fights marred their relationship. My mother often went to bed with marks of violence on her body. She even tried to die by suicide many times while my father drowned himself in alcohol to seek relief from the stress.

The duo were stricken by the grief of an unwanted and forced marriage. Even though my parents never filed for divorce (due to social stigmas), their marriage was on the verge of collapse when my mother learnt about my father's adultery. They were together just for their namesake because inside the relationship there was a huge emptiness. 

However, my parents didn't let that emptiness engulf the lives of their kids. They continued to be with each other for our sake. They worked as a team to give their children a proper and lavish upbringing. And they are some of the best parents in the world who not only fulfil all our wishes but also try to support us when we are low. 

So, possibly on some level, the Punjab and Haryana High Court's statement that a man and a woman might be good as parents but not as couples holds true for my family. However, I disagree.

Why I Disagree with The High Court

Being the eldest child, I have seen my parents fight more than my siblings. The ugly sight of violence is registered in my mind as a memory that I can never forget. I get flashbacks of violence, suicidal attempts and my father's rage and relationship with another woman. For a long time, I have battled with mental health issues because of the trauma that my parents' unsuccessful marriage generated in my life. 

Even while writing this post, I am struggling with my memories and trying to push them back so that I am not triggered. Even though I have forgiven my parents, especially my father, I can't deny the impact their fights and incompatibility have had on my life. I can't deny that because of their bad marriage, I have developed a fear of marriage and men in general. I have registered in my mind that marriages are bound to fail because neither men tackle their egos nor women come out of the inferiority assigned to them by society. I prepare myself for the presumed 'bad fate' by reading up on laws for divorce and domestic violence.

Studies also claim that children of infidel couples struggle with shame, loss of trust, confusion, resentment and ambivalence towards the betraying parent and acting out. Psychologist Ana Nogales, author of Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, said that children who belong to infidel couples have impacts that affect their future relationships too. The way they view their romantic relationships and trust in their partners is affected. According to Nogales' research, 75 per cent of children have a lingering feeling of betrayal towards the parent who was infidel. 80 per cent of children feel that the infidelity of parents affects their romantic relationships. While 70 per cent face general trust issues.

"I'm not saying that everyone does it, but 55 per cent of adult children that came from families where one parent was unfaithful ended up being cheaters themselves," Nogales said. 

But did I deserve all this? Why did my parents adjust to a bad marriage? Why did I have to see them fight brutally at a very small age? Why did my parents bear me and my siblings when they were not happy with each other? Even if the relationship deteriorated later in time, why didn't they abstain from violence and adultery when they knew it was wrong? Was I right to forgive my parents? Would it have been better if they sought a divorce?

Divorce actually ruins the family and the kids. But staying in a bad marriage just for kids is also not right. Although my parents are now working as a team to grow their business and provide for their kids, I would not suggest any child to have parents like them. For every child, parents are heroes, ideal couples and whatnot. But for me, my parents are bad examples of how unwanted and forced marriages ruin the individualities of people, including kids. 

Views expressed are the author's own