Breaking The Cycle: How Violent Parenting Severly Impacts Adulthood

What does it feel like being brought up by parents who are constantly angry or tend to be aggressive on small issues? Turns out, it is traumatic. It not only affects the childhood but also the adulthood. People who are raised by angry parents develop compatibility issues as they feel that they are constantly being watched over by someone. They overthink their actions and are in constant fear of committing mistakes that might invite aggression and anger that they faced at the hands of their parents. I am one such person. 

I won't say that my parents were not good or were constantly angry at me. But they did have anger issues that were unresolved, especially my father. Otherwise a very kind and loving person, my father used to get angry if someone even woke him up from sleep. I remember being scolded and yelled at for asking my father to tuck the ends of the mosquito net. Another vivid memory of his anger is when he threatened to disown me and slapped me for talking too much in front of guests. 

How violence was common in parenting during my generation 

Violence was so common in parenting in my generation that I even asked my father once that will he slap me even when I grew up. I always used to be in constant fear when I was around him. My mother used to calm me down saying that he is a working man and that work stress causes mood swings. Yet, whenever I heard the horn of his vehicle, I used to be alert and super conscious of what I was doing. But still, I couldn't map his emotions and moods. The unpredictability itself was so horrifying. 

Now I am a grown-up. My father is reaching an age when parents seek the support of their offspring. But has the fear gone? No. I am still afraid to tell anything to my father because I don't know how he might react. He did yell at me a few years ago for my life choices. But now, he has stopped doing it. However, I am still not convinced that he won't get aggressive. 

How violent parenting affects adulthood

This perpetual fear has made me doubt my choices, submit myself to other's expectations and please people to avoid any kind of aggression from their side. I always tend to think that I might be doing something wrong. My father's yelling echoes in my mind each time I feel I am wrong. 

Experts believe that when children witness violence at home, they tend to normalize it even in the adulthood. Men tend to be violent while women tend to be submissive to violence. Anger and violence of parents make children emotionally stunted as they normalise such behaviours as a part of loving and caring process. 

But after watching experts speak about the harms of violent parenting, I have come to realise that the fault is not in me. Perhaps my father needed a better understanding of how to raise kids. But then he too raised by a father who didn't even talk to him directly. So to solve any problem related to parenting, we need to go to the roots. We need to fix the societal discourse that makes fear between parents and children a norm. We need to replace that fear with understanding, freedom and compassion. 

The generation of today has a huge responsibility to change the cycle of trauma working through generations. Today's generation not only needs to be good humans but also good parents. 

Views expressed are the author's own.