How Does Tough Parenting Leave Long-Term Effect On Children?

"Our mother can't be right at all the times," I told my brother while teaching him the value of marriage equality. I told him that he must create a balance between his wife and his mother. My mother being slightly stereotypical, can be judgemental of her bahu. So I told my brother to remember that parents are humans after all and can commit mistakes. But then, a question started disturbing me. Was I trying to turn my brother against his parents? 

In the current generation, having bitter-sweet relationships with parents has become common. Modernity has created a gap between the mentalities of parents and children. While parents expect their children to conform to social norms because of the pressure of 'log kya kahenge', children tend to rebel. They want to live on their terms defying the age-old traditions and norms. 

The bitter-sweet relationship between parents and children

But sometimes, this bitter-sweet relationship turns into abandonment. Because of the clash between the mentalities of parents and children, they find it difficult to stay in the room together. As a result, either children abandon their parents or parents outcast their children. The pious and the most selfless bond between parents and children bow down before the importance of social standing and standards. A recent reel that I came across showed how painful and worse this can become. 

Examples of ruined parent-children relationships

In the reel which is a clip of a movie, a child says, "I want to sue my parents." When the judge asks why, the child replies, "Because I was born." The clip further shows how the child has struggled in life. From being alone to shedding tears at night. 

This also reminds me of a particular scene from Dear Zindagi when Alia Bhatt's character who has been struggling mentally due to childhood trauma says, "Why don't you stop being parents? If parenting is so tough, just stop doing it." She goes on and says, "Firstly, you don't start the parenting properly, then why do you continue it?"

These two examples show the grim reality of parenting in our society. As I mentioned earlier, parenting is submissive to social norms in our society. Parents don't want to cross the line of stereotypes so they continue to pass it on to their children. They cover their wrong parenting by saying that they want their children to be safe in society as being rebellious can harm them. In fact, the bitter truth is that parents care about their reputation in society and don't want it to be ruined by their children. 

But is it right to raise children as a part of a biased society? Is parenting about preserving hollow social standards and regressive traditions? Doesn't parenting mean raising children who are independent in every sense? Is expecting children to go by social norms independence? 

How improper parenting can cause trauma or even death

Sometimes, improper parenting affects children so much that they end up being traumatised or enclosed in a coffin. 

A recent case of an Ohio toddler who died after her mother left her alone for 10 days is an example of this. The mother who was facing mental health issues left her 18-month-old daughter alone with a few bottles of milk and went on a 10-day summer vacation. When she returned, she found her baby dead. She has been sentenced to life imprisonment without parole. 

Parenting is definitely a tough job. It is not just about having a cute baby and posting pictures of it. It is more about taking care of the children and teaching them how to live. But this is not possible until and unless parents themselves know how to survive without compromising self-respect and health. 

In our society, sometimes children are born just to fix broken marriages. And other times children are brought to life to fill in for the loneliness. These are not the right reasons to have children. Rather these reasons show that the parents themselves are dealing with personal issues. How then can they bear the load of raising a child? Ultimately, the child feels abandoned and traumatised. The only question that goes in their minds is why were they born. 

It is important to remember that parenting is not just for personal happiness. It is a social service of raising an individual who can create a change in society. So before planning to be parents, people need to resolve their traumas, unlearn stereotypes and study the importance of parenting. No matter how imperfect you might be as a parent, don't dismiss the choices and opinions of your children. Rather make them critical thinkers so that they can survive on their own. 

Views expressed are the author's own.