Mom & Daughters May Think Differently But What Unites Them?

"How does it look?" said my mother decked in a shimmery suit. "I don't like it; too tacky," I said mocking my mother's choice of clothes. "We can never agree on the choice of clothes" we mumbled and went into our rooms. What my mother picks up is too bright for me while my choice is too simple for her. However, when it comes to lifestyle and opinion, the opposite is true. My opinions are too bright or rather gleaming with rebellion while her thoughts are as simple as a straight line. 

Decoding The Gap

What makes this difference between my mother and me? Is it a generational gap? Is it an age gap? Or is it the change in the way we dealt with patriarchy? "To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. Or the climbing, falling colours of a rainbow." Maya Angelou said in I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. And I relate to it totally.

My mother is often both - an embodiment of patriarchy and a progressing feminist. She is like a bird (feminism) who is caged (in body). Sometimes, she is as rigid as patriarchy itself. However, sometimes she lets the inner self wail about the loss she has suffered due to the same patriarchal traditions. On one hand, she argues against my empowering ideologies, on the other hand, she wishes to apply them to her life. 

No matter how different I am from my mother, the one bond that keeps us connected, (apart from the birth cords), is the sufferings of women under patriarchy. We are both oppressed, we are both part of a patriarchal society. The only difference is that she conforms to preserve family and its reputation while I rebel because it is my right.

Indian daughters whose thoughts don't align with their mothers'

How do other daughters deal with their mothers? Do they have conflicts with their mothers? Or do they consider their mothers as their best friends? Let's explore. 

Paawani Gupta, a journalist, says that her thoughts do align with her mother but "to a certain extent". She explained, "By ‘certain extent’ I mean that there is always some individuality and self-reflection that goes into my decisions. Certain moral values imbibed in me are given to me by her, somewhere in my decisions morphed are her teachings." Adding further, Paawani says, "But I think her perspective on things has also given me enough space to explore and discover my own choices adding to a very nuanced experience that is my life! And all thanks to her." 

Charvi Kathuria, a LinkedIn Growth Specialist, said, "My thoughts align with my mother when it comes to womanhood and what the role of a woman should be in today's day and era." However, she also adds, "There are certain topics where we don't align. For instance, how a woman should dress up etc, what is acceptable and not acceptable in a marriage etc"

Explaining the reason behind it, Charvi stated, "We come from two different generations. She had limited exposure to worldly views while growing up. In my case, there is overexposure to information and perspectives."

Titiksha Kashyap, a PR Professional, also says that her thoughts do not align with her mother's. Giving the reason behind it, she elucidated, "The reason is generation gap and conditioning. We are very different people and it is mostly because of the reason I mentioned. Me having my mind and choices do not align with hers as they don't fit within the societal accepted norms. I want to travel instead of getting married. I am against the patriarchal roles and do not accept them. That's why I even have clashed with her."

However, Titiksha articulated that she understands why and how her mother's personality is shaped. She said, "She comes from a space where she had no control over her choices.  She has a lot of baggage and is completely stripped of any emotions which are soft. That's why she raised me and my sister to be brave."

In the end, all Titikasha wants is for her mother to overcome her past, forgive her parents and enjoy her retirement by accepting who she is. 

Mansi, a Senior Auditor, said that none of her thoughts align with her mother. Explaining the reasons behind it, she explained, "Mostly because of the age gap, educational differences, societal changes, things she was taught aren’t applicable in the present or vice versa." 

By interacting with the women above, it is clear that many daughters find their mothers different not just because of generational gaps but also because of the way patriarchy has transformed them. While mothers were influenced by it, albeit by making many sacrifices, daughters resisted it fearlessly. 

Indian daughters whose thoughts align with their mothers'

However, not all daughters have conflicts with their mothers. They very well conform to the famous saying "Mothers are daughters' best friends."  

Shrija, a PhD aspirant, said that most of the time her thoughts align with her mother. "My mother is pretty chill. The best thing about her is that she is not stubborn. She wants to change with time. She belongs to a very small village and even not very educated but still tries to keep her mind open. The best thing she has said to date is “No girl should marry without having a job of her own, a girl should never be dependent on her husband.”

Pavi, a journalist, who is a single-mother child said that her thoughts totally align with her mother's. Earlier, as a teenager, she didn't align with her mother and often used to be furious at her. Pavi said, "I was afraid to be anything like my mom, I didn't want to repeat her mistakes." However later, the same mom became her friend and superhero. She says, "I learnt that she was a human too, and with the given circumstances she did her best. I stopped regretting her actions and wishing she made different choices."

Pavi further added, "Our thoughts and opinions might not align a hundred per cent, but we try to bring each other to the same spot mostly as my mom is still learning and I have to learn so much as well. I embrace the generational gap and their limits to not be stretched to accept many things that shouldn't be expected from them, she too understands young modern minds full of rage and passion, and that's how our boat row, embracing our disagreements and differences."

She expressed that after talking to her, she now understands the reasons behind her choices and finds them reasonable. In fact, the direct communication has made her thoughts align with her mother's. "My mom's choices bring the equilibrium in my life, teach me to live life at a slower pace when I run and guide me to a better path. I believe no one could have been a better mother to us, she is the only parent we have to look up to and she alone is enough. I don't know how she did it so well and still does" 

Pavi, who as a teenager never wanted to be like her mother, reflected, "Yes, after years of fighting within myself, I do want to become like her, exactly her." She believes that she has broken the generational chain.

She concluded, "Now she is my bestie and like every other bestie, our choices and thoughts are influenced by one another. And I will always try to become half of the superwoman-like lady my mom is because the more I talked to her the more I realised how cool she is."

Sonam Priya, a PhD student, said that most of her thoughts align with her mother. "My spirituality, my kind behaviour and my personality are all influenced by my mother. Yes, we have differences when it comes to topics like marriage. My mother's tendency is to give in to the social norms but I refuse to do that. However, my mother doesn't reject my opinions and understands it." Giving the reason behind this, Sonam says, "Well, it is simple. She gave birth to me and brought me up. Call it hereditary, but the qualities and advice I got from my mother define who I am."

How can the gap created by generation and patriarchy be defeated?

From the two women above, I concluded that one-to-one conversation between daughters and mothers really helps in building a common ground between them. They can share struggles, opinions and ways to deal with patriarchy. This is how the barrier of difference in thought process can be overcome. 

As far as the generational gap is concerned, as Pavi said, it can be defeated when mothers and daughters start understanding each other as humans and not relatives. Thus they can understand the circumstances the individual faced and how they influenced their choices and

Undeniably, there are differences between mothers and daughters. But more than differences divide them, it is womanhood that connects them. So as daughters, let us understand our mothers' circumstantial decisions and choices. And as mothers, please understand that your daughters just want their freedom, the freedom that might have been denied to you. 

So, let's dedicate this Mother's Day to the unity of daughters and mothers, not only as friends who bridge the generational gap but also as feminists who defy the patriarchy. 

Views expressed are the author's own