Who Should Do Difficult Talking During Disagreement With In-Laws?

Recently, I came across a video on Instagram in which a woman talked about how to deal with in-laws when they cross the boundaries of a healthy relationship. The woman, named Anjali Gorang, answered the question that which partner should handle having hard conversations when it comes to in-laws. She said the best thing to do would be for each partner to talk to their respective family and not their in-laws. Do you agree? 

Anjali Gorang said that once two people get married they form a circle. The partners are a core team and everyone else including parents and children form the outer circle. Then she went on to say that if there is any crossing of boundaries or lack of alignment in beliefs, each partner should talk to their respective parents rather than talking to their in-laws.

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A post shared by Anjali G Kothari | Family & Relationship Coach (@anjali.gorang)

Mixed reactions on social media

Her idea has mixed reactions on social media. Some agree with her by saying that partners should take take stand for each other while others believe that direct communication would be better in such scenarios. 

For example, one of the users wrote, "Whose ever parents it is ... they should talk to their parents and not their inlaws... step up for your spouse..."

Another user backed Gorang's claim using her own experience. She wrote, "That's what we've been doing for the past 3 years. You need a level of maturity to understand the need to not over-engage with the in-laws. Each of us manages our own parents. It may not work perfectly at all times...but it works much better than anything else." Others have disagreed with Gorang and the disagreement is on different levels. 

One user wrote about how it is not fair for a woman to not confront her in-laws if they cross boundaries. The user wrote, "Every married woman is an adult. If someone at work crosses boundaries, won’t we tell them on their face? What’s wrong in telling your in-laws when they cross the boundary?"

Similarly, talking about how speaking to the in-laws directly will be better another user wrote, "I will kind of disagree here. I feel you should have a direct conversation with your in-laws in the presence of your partner when it comes to boundaries and disrespect. There will be disagreements but the communication will be direct and better."

Respect elders, but not at the cost of your self-respect

So, it is not an easy path to tread when it comes to talking to in-laws about their mistakes. In our society, no one questions the elders because it is believed that they are greater than us because of their age and experience in life. Every child in Indian society is brought up with this belief of never saying no to elders. However, respecting elders and saying no to them are two different things. We can very well respect a person by denying what they demand.

Denial or saying no is an expression of our own rights and individuality. We cannot be blinded towards our needs and self-respect while providing respect to others. Therefore, we need to stop teaching women to not question their in-laws when they cross boundaries. Rather we should teach them how to calmly make their in-laws realise their mistakes. The elders too on the other side need to normalise taking rejections from their younger ones especially in-laws who are puffed up with the pride of having a male child must normalise that their daughters-in-law are individuals with self-respect and the right to choose.

But how exactly should the conversation about crossing the boundaries should be done? 

In today's day and age, there is a huge generation gap. So, it is quite normal for disagreements to happen with the in-laws. But will direct communication with in-laws help the situation? Or is it better for the partners to talk to their parents? I believe both should be done. Not only should a person confront their in-laws directly but should also be supported by their partner. As Gorang rightly said, after marriage, two individuals become a team. So when it comes to disputes, both should deal with them together. 

If a woman fights with her in-laws, she should tell them about her discomfort directly. This will make in-laws understand that their daughter-in-law is not submissive or is not going to remain quiet when met with injustice. This realisation will help them register in their minds that daughters-in-law too are humans with rights as much as the sons. 

Secondly, the sons too must support their wives in dealing with the dispute. The sons must talk to their parents and make them understand about their mistakes. This will not only boost the woman's confidence but will also build a pressure of authenticity on the parents. I am saying the latter because in our society women are not valued by their in-laws but when their sons meddle, they automatically agree to everything. It is an undeniable truth that men hold power in our society so men's support is important for women to gain acceptance. 

But when I say that women need men's support in dealing with in-laws, I do not intend to say that women cannot deal with issues on their own. Women very well can speak up for themselves. However, it is just that their fight becomes easier when men extend hands of unconditional support. Marriage is teamwork, and this is something we must be reminded of time and again. 

Views expressed are the author's own.