Dating Or Marriage: What Do Millennials Choose For Their Happiness?

Growing up I too had dreams of being a bride and getting married to a charming prince. Watching romantic stories on TV gave me goosebumps as I imagined myself in the place of the female actor. I had a crush too during my childhood days and used to imagine how life would be with him. In short, I was Ali of Dhoom who instantly planned marriage when the crush looked at me or spoke a few words. But now, as a woman in her late 20s who's always asked about marriage plans, I dread getting married. I have decided to stay single which doesn't mean compromising with my dating or sexual life. I would prefer dating throughout my life rather than binding myself to the scarred institution of marriage. 

The institution of marriage is not conducive to the independence of a woman. Even in the 21st century, women are harassed and violated by their husbands and in-laws for dowry, for not performing housework or under the grab of marital rape. Even today we don't have laws that protect women from marital rape. The divorce rate is so low while domestic violence tops the crime against women. Mothers even today teach their daughters to be docile bahu and wives who must cater to the needs of their in-laws and husbands.

How the current generation is changing the idea of marriage?

Definitely, as the new generation, we have the choice and responsibility to change the idea of marriage. Some of us consider it as a sacred bond of togetherness while others see it as a partnership where everything is equally distributed - love, respect and understanding. So to get more idea on how the current generation thinks about dating and marriage, I interacted with a few millennials. Let's dig in and find out. 

Shrija, a 23-year-old PhD aspirant said that she hasn't thought about marriage yet. However, she is not ready to date either. "I don't want to date anyone just for fun. But that doesn't mean I will marry a person without knowing him." Defining marriage, Shrija said, "Marriage has now become more of a monetary affair. It is more about how much money a person is adding to your life rather than emotions and value." 

29-year-old Nimesh said that preferring dating or marriage is not as simple as black and white. "Everybody starts to date with an expectation to find a stable partner whom they are comfortable in sharing their lives with. And to help with this very decision of whether a person is compatible or not is where dating comes in." 

Talking about the idea of marriage, Nimesh said that its definition has changed throughout the timeline. "Some have misunderstood it and associated it with derivatives, ownership and entitlement. But elementarily, marriage simply means a partner you rely upon." He further adds that trust in marriage is fuelled by love, faith and honesty. 

Kirti Mittal, a corporate lawyer, too believes that dating cannot be separated from marriage. She said that dating helps in checking compatibility and marriage is about togetherness. "Marriage is a very scared for me. It is not just about commitment but also about the devotion that now you will not leave the other or their family." She further says, "In dating, you always remain two persons but in marriage everything- from pain to pleasure- becomes mutual." For Kirti, a distorted marriage is one that loses trust- the basic foundation. "After the loss of trust, the couple is forced to remain in the marriage by social stigmas and pressure. But the couple has already parted way after losing trust." 

29-year-old Charvi Kathuria, a LinkedIn Growth Specialist, too thinks that dating is a precursor to marriage. She said, "I don't know if I could ever be able to see these two phases as separate from each other or dating not leading to marriage." Charvi said that the definition of marriage is distorted. She added, "After a few months, marriage is all about men and women giving in to gender roles and forgetting how to have independent lives of their own." She also added, "The idea of giving the key to your happiness to another person or family for 50 years of your life is a bit skewed."

Charvi denied defining marriage because she believes that marriage is fluid and changes every 10 years as men and women evolve. 

Sai Prateek, a PhD scholar said that dating or marriage is considered a feat or mission. People seek others just to fulfil their physical needs. "Unless and until there is a natural human connection, one should not go for either dating or marriage." Talking about his preferences, Sai said, "I would prefer dating over marriage because in dating you get to know a human, explore them and that is a lively experience rather than entangling with someone for life and leaving it to destiny to work." Sai further adds that an enlightened person should not get married because it will be like hammering your feet. But he also said, "Marriage is like a closed box which might contain gifts for you. You just need to be conscious. Marriage is nothing but a mutual bond like the ones we studied in Chemistry."

Sonam Priya, a 29-year-old PhD scholar is of the opinion that good friendships are better than casual dating. She said, "I can date any guy only if he believes in the institution of marriage and must be ready for partnership, happiness and compromise." Talking about the distorted definition of marriage, Sonam said that modernisation or Westernisation has changed the idea of marriage. "Staying together with anyone requires a deep understanding of adjusting, accepting, forgiving and much more. People nowadays want to run away from these responsibilities and so the definition of marriage is distorted." 

Sonam further added that people are now more concerned about individual rights. But according to her, standing for individual rights is fine but not at the cost of togetherness. 

Is dating leading to marriage a utopian idea?

After interacting with all the above millennials, I realised that people still follow the idea of dating being a commitment to marriage. Millennials are still hooked on the idea of romantic relationships leading to dreamy love marriages. But sorry to break the truth to you, but in India, the success rate of relationships is very low. In Mumbai, 50 per cent of couples aged 22–28 years are in live-in relationships. However, 70 per cent of these couples end up breaking up within two years. 

Indian society is still not ready for youths to date someone casually or for commitment. A recent court order made parental consent necessary for love marriages. Moreover, another court pulled up the parents of daughters who did not accept the love marriage of their daughters and filed complaints against their son-in-law. The court said, "This is a clear case of the dark face of our society. Even today, when children, who marry on their own, their parents under their family and society’s pressure, do not approve of the marriage and go to the extent of filing an FIR against the boy. "

So the idea of expecting relationships to end up in a smooth marriage seems a bit utopian. So rather than waiting for 'the one', there is nothing wrong with experimenting through casual dating. After all, dating and marriage too require a resume of experience so that you are able to identify red flags and know how to deal with it. Of course, many couples are able to make their love story win over societal opposition. But why should there be opposition in the first place? 

How millennials are gearing up to change the definition of marriage

Moreover, the interaction gave a positive vision for the future as every millennial believes that marriage is a partnership. Unlike the older traditions, the current generation is ready to make mutual compromises and adjustments to keep the marriage alive. It is good that the current generation is not carrying the sexism of marriage forward. It is clear from the interaction that if a millennial wants to get married, they are not ready to be as selfless as to lose their individuality. If equality, trust and partnership end, there is no point in continuing the marriage as Kirti pointed out. 

So to all the millennial and Gen-Z readers, here is some advice. Romance and marriage are not as smooth as the Bollywood movies. The reality has many potholes- created by society, traumas or general inhibitions. But remember that be it dating or marriage or both, never compromise with your self-respect. Be in any bond only if it is equal and involves partnership. Otherwise, it is better to die alone than to be tortured to death by the wrong partner. 

Views expressed are the author's own.