Can Friendships Be Unconditional?

"Someone to face the day with/Make it through all the rest with/Someone I'll always laugh with/Even at my worst, I'm best with you" This a part of the song featured in the classic sitcom F.R.I.E.N.D.S. that still acts as the role model for true friendship. Befriending people is very common. But keeping them close enough to experience the good and bad together is a different kind of friendship. While the former might last until a semester or your tenure in a company, the latter holds on to you like Betal of Vikram. They teach you ways to live and give you space to grow. And it is a two-way street as you too indulge in keeping the friendship safe. But just as Betal used to impose conditions on Vikram to ultimately guide him to a righteous path, is real-life friendship too conditional?

It is usually said that no relationship is selfless and devoid of conditions. Every human expects something in return for every favour they make in a relationship. Yes, the duty of a homemaker is considered to be sacrificial and selfless. But that is just a construct and not a reality. Homemakers too have the right to demand value, respect and financial independence in terms of streedhan. Parental love is often seen as unconditional which is again a blind misconception. If parents take care of their kids, they expect their kids to follow the directions and decisions they make for them. 

So, there is really no relationship that is not conditional. 

Can friendships be unconditional?

Now, let us come to friendship. When we befriend someone, our instant thought is to find a companion who can walk us through the rutty path of life- be it school, college or work. We try to forge a bond in which we can gain advice, help and even support. But aren't these pre-defined expectations defy the idea of unconditional friendship? Can a friendship be unconditional if you forge a bond based on expectations? 

An unconditional relationship is one that is not bonded to expectations. It is a natural feeling of love that is selfless with no hesitation to sacrifice, deprioritise and be hurt sometimes. But do such relationships even exist? 

Does unconditional love even exist?

A 2021 research found that unconditional love is not just about love, romance and religion but also a biological reaction of a human being. The study found that the periaqueductal gray (PAG) of the brain is associated with unconditional love along with fear conditioning, pain modulation, and altruism. So the point is that in unconditional love or relationships, people often submit themselves so selflessly that they undermine their own values. It blinds a person to the extent that they start valuing the needs of the other person more than themselves. But isn't this more toxic than the ideal form of relationship?

Friendship can be unconditional but with healthy boundaries

Friendships, especially those that are long-lasting, might be unconditional to the extent that no one in the relationship jeopardises their values. For example, you cannot expect your friend to pick up your calls in the wee hours, be available each time you are anxious or always agree with you. No matter how deep the friendship is, there must be boundaries that make the relationship healthy. Both persons have to make adjustments and compromises so that the needs of each person are met. Suppose your friend is in a crisis and can't be emotionally or physically available for you. In that case, you need to understand their situation and make peace with the fact that unconditional love too requires healthy boundaries. 

Human bonds are forged to meet the needs of every person involved in the relationship. Otherwise, why would people seek companions even when they are well off? Loneliness is one of the reasons why people seek human support. But are they ready to provide the same consolation to the other? 

If friendship is completely unconditional, it is one-sided. While one might receive everything they expect from the relationship, the other might feel deserted and devoid of the same support. Next is, the other seeks that support from someone else. How then can such a dynamic make a friendship last longer?

Expecting unconditional love is not selfish but it requires hardwork

I am not saying that expecting unconditionality from friendship is selfish. It is after all a human tendency to expect love and validation without having to give anything in return. But just like marriage cannot work without the efforts of both partners, friendship also requires hard work to sustain. Yes, some friendships are deep enough that you can call your friend even after years and still feel comfortable. However, how much can you connect with that friend when you have been oblivious to their struggles and changes in life? Is recalling the old memories enough to keep the friendship alive? If it is, then why aren't we able to remove the wall of conditions in the relationships with our parents who have seen us grow up? 

Unconditionality is only possible in self-love. When you love yourself without any conditions, you will become a better version of yourself. The expectations, support and availability will reduce if not vanish. Then maybe, the friendship will be about the strong bond and not about meeting expectations. Donald Miller rightly said, "When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are."

Views expressed are the author's own.