Why 'This is How I Look' Inspires Confidence And Authenticity

What does 30 look like? What does 40 look like? What does 50 look like? What does it mean to be young and beautiful? What does it mean to be beautiful? Is there an expiration date for beauty? If there is, exactly when do you stop looking beautiful? Is it possible for most women today to live unhampered by judgments about our appearance? Are we free of looks-ism? 

You look so young! You don't look 31!

Imagine when this is said to you. How would you react? After all, this is a compliment, right? Being called young is a compliment, right? But is it?

Is it a compliment or a mockery? Is it a judgement or an appreciation? 

Recently, I came across this video on Instagram where a 31-year-old woman deconstructs society’s obsession with youth and the associated notions of beauty. This video reminded me of all the times I have glorified the toned bodies of Shakira and Jennifer Lopez in front of my mom while making her watch those Super Bowl LIVE shows. I keep saying I want my 50s to look like this. 

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What is it like to be a woman?

Looking back, it made me introspect about my prejudiced fallacy and how far I still have to go to unlearn the internalised notions of beauty. Simone De Beauvoir said, “One is not born, but made a woman.” We are grappling with the very idea of what it is to be a woman in this age and time. The relationship with our identity as women is extremely conflictual, especially regarding looks and beauty. Objectification has been integral to this identity since time immemorial, where whether a woman is desirable or acceptable, no matter her position or stature, is defined by the vicious male gaze, as Laura Mulvey would argue. It's as if our whole existence is based on satiating the psychological and physiological desires of men and, broadly, of patriarchal society. 

This scrutiny remains unfettered by class distinction, i.e., even Hillary Clinton has to subscribe to a certain standard of beauty to be accepted by society. In fact, women who are celebrities or from the upper class are expected to continue defying beauty norms, especially age, and look young and beautiful. This reminds me of the rolling Ameesha Patel faced and continues to face. “What’s wrong with Ameesha Patel’s face? Kajol or Shilpa Shetty don’t look like this. Is it excessive alcohol?” There has been tons of gossip on the internet about why Ameesha Patel is aging and looking old. I mean, seriously, why can’t she age like a fine wine? Am I right?

Jesus Christ, who allowed celebrities to look normal for once? But wait, didn’t they also troll Shobita Dhulipade, Khushi Kapoor, and so many others for surgeries?

Paint and Powder: No Reprieve?

Women have been sexualized and objectified, only to be desired. They are always supposed to look presentable, based on heteronormative ideas of beauty. Naturally, we have seen a significant rise in cosmetic surgeries, botox, and fillers because women have to compete for these unattainable ideas of beauty to be accepted and recognised. As Zeld Fitzgerald said, “paint and powder” were a way for women to “choose their destinies—to be successful competitors in the great game of life.” 

But guess what? Once you apply fillers and Botox, there is still no reprieve. You get trolled for the fillers and botox. Why are women resisting natural beauty? Why are they imposing elite standards of beauty? While this conversation is a worthy pursuit, what we tend to ignore is the fact that women are oppressed beings who have to fight to exist and be accepted. It's a vicious, tiring cycle. Nothing is good enough. As Naomi Wolf said in The Beauty Myth, women’s absorption with appearance “leaves money, leisure, and confidence.”

The manual given to a girl at an early age is full of stereotypes. She is taught that she has to always look desirable but not give in to her desires. She has to always look beautiful but never work on herself. 90% of the women, or more, are entangled by the entrenched patriarchy that has only taught them the ideal of sacrifice. They can’t think about themselves, let alone work on their skin and beauty. The privilege of having clear skin or toned body isn’t available to majority of the women because self-care isn’t in the manual given to a 3-year-old girl. 

When you say, This is not how 30s or 50s are supposed to look, you discredit the lives of the majority of women who don’t have the luxury to indulge in self-care. It's an elitist idea that exacerbates economic and racial inequality. It's a casteist idea that looks down upon the lowest strata of women who have to carry the double burden of work. Prevailing beauty standards disadvantage women who can’t afford to invest in attractiveness. It’s like saying, “Poverty is fattening; it's ugly."

Furthermore, it discredits how our mothers look by subtly calling them ugly. This is the ridiculous fallacy I would like to unlearn because when I glorify Jennifer Lopez, Shakira, Malaika Arora, I denigrate my 50-year-old mother who looks fucking ravishing despite carrying the weight of patriarchy with no personal trainer and thousands of brands running after to beautify her. This is not to disparage the efforts of Lopez or Shakira, but to simply reinstate that you can look however the hell you want to. Society will continue to pull you down and troll your look just so you slip into the trap of patriarchal standards of beauty, underlined by heteronormativity. It will give you sleepless nights when you are 35 and think, “Will he love me if I look this way or that?” It will haunt you if you work on yourself and do not look a particular age, as if there is anything particular about it. It will tease you into being ashamed of your body and force you to hide what they think are your inadequacies. 

I asked my friends what 30 would look like for them, and guess what they all said: “I want to be strong and independent, especially financially and well-read.” A few also said they wanted to be fit and lean. 

But that’s what you decide: what your 30s, 40s, and 50s should look like. For some, it's clear skin; for others, it's a land of pimples and acne. For some, it's toned bodies; for others, it's chubbiness. If I say anything here as my concluding statement, I will be blurring the thin boundaries between imposition and suggestion. So, I will just end it by leaving a message for myself to see:

“You are beautiful the way you look or will look. You will forever be beautiful, wrinkles or not, pimples or not. Deafen the chaos of judgements and embrace the tranquility of acknowledgments. It will never be enough for others. You will never be enough for others. So, just be enough for you.”

Views expressed are the author’s own