"We are strong, we can hunt and provide," says Abha Bakaya

Is it true that men tend to avoid partners who can compete with them intellectually and instead look for someone who can bolster their egos? Abha Bakaya talks about how not only they but we as women continue to look at men as hunters and providers...

Recently, a male friend of mine complaining about not being able to meet someone compatible, said, very emphatically, over a dinner table filled with some, pretty successful women, that men are really not interested in women who may be good-looking but are also successful!! Now the answer doesn’t completely lie in the whole argument that they get intimidated though of course, they do! The issue is that while there has been this whole drive for women empowerment and equal rights, there has been little evolvement in the role of men. They are still judged, even by us women, on what they do, how they provide, and how good they are in bed! Now they don’t know how to feel good about themselves if we kind of take over all of that.

The problem is while it's great to find someone successful, what’s the point if we can’t respect him for being a man in every sense?

So what does this mean for women?

Do we pretend to sit quiet, be demure? Do we let them believe we are okay with everything they say or do we be bold and opinionated and risk driving them away? So many of the elders or soothsayers will tell you to appear young and fresh to attract a man, don’t be too difficult, be gentle, not too loud… so many versions of the same thing. The problem is while it's great to find someone successful, what’s the point if we can’t respect him for being a man in every sense? Will he truly love us if we become a shadow of ourselves? Why should we ever feel any less just to make them feel good?

There are women who may be intelligent and capable, but choose to use their talents as a homemaker. They may want to devote time to their kids and take those 3-5 years off from their career. That’s something a woman is doing out of choice - and not just because she must as a woman. It doesn’t relegate her to the background, it’s actually a pretty important role in bringing up one’s children. There are couples where maybe the women do enjoy a very comfortable life of leisure while their husbands are slogging away. Well, these men have also chosen to be with partners who prefer to be stay-at-home wives or moms. They still deserve equal respect for who they are and for the fact that they run a house, bring up kids, manage family obligations - and make it all look so simple!

So no matter who you choose to be, or what you choose to contribute to a relationship, never underestimate what you’re worth.

Men, especially past their mid-30s, want someone who they can show off, who can complement them socially, and also someone who will go along with what they say, get along with their family, and cook a nice meal. Women in their 30s know better, are more experienced in all ways, usually are independent and don’t need men to support them. They won’t take nonsense or pick up his socks. They are now going in for adoption and surrogacy or whatever it takes to spare them the hassle of finding a man!

Also Read Other Columns By Abha Bakaya

Women are creating more and more ways of having it all - career, family, home. And men will have a tough task finding their identity because they can’t really become baby making machines. They don’t know where they stand in the new dynamic or what edge they have over us anymore. So no matter who you choose to be, or what you choose to contribute to a relationship, never underestimate what you’re worth. As an individual, each of us is an asset for so much that we bring to the table. We are strong, we can hunt and provide and we are definitely not the inferior race.

Also Read: Women empowerment should be a given in any civilised society: Shabana Azmi

The views are author’s own.