Your anger is a signal that a line has been crossed: How to Navigate Anger?

What makes you angry? A lot of things — that's my honest response to the question. But anger, like all our emotions, isn't that simplistic.

There are our reactions evoked by our triggers and then there are the real reasons. However, sometimes the real reason has many triggers linked to it and the same trigger can be linked to multiple reasons.

The purpose of anger

But ultimately, the purpose of anger is to protect. It's to give us a signal and the fuel to stand up for ourselves. For example, I asked a friend last night about what makes her angry. ‘Dishonesty’ was her response to which I asked another question, "What does dishonesty make you feel?" and she said, "Like the person does not respect me enough to tell me the truth." If I were to count one plus one as eleven, then I'd say her line of respect was crossed and so her anger rose to protect her.

Your anger is a signal that a line has been crossed

How many of us have been lied to by our loved ones, even if they were tiny white lies, under the guise of protecting us from hurt or pain, under the pretext of not upsetting us? The lie, the hiding… that action hits the trigger, but if you ask yourself, “What about this action pinched me so hard?” you'll realise it's because you felt underestimated or belittled or were made to feel that you are not strong enough. These reasons could possibly be connected to a belief you hold dear or is a piece of emotional baggage you lug around. We may have different underlying reasons but anger, simply put, is our being's way of telling us that a line has been crossed; there's a threat we need to tackle or protect ourselves from.

Picture Credit: Laura Chouette, Unsplash

The expression of anger

Now, anger is a loud emotion, unlike guilt, shame or some types of fear. Anger demands to be expressed. And that's where another problem lies. How you express your anger earns you many labels, especially in a world where we must all strive to fit in. Yes, we may be told to shine bright, but how we can stand out is also dictated by society's book of best practices.

If a woman expresses her disagreement with an idea or proposal at work, she will be labelled immediately; a man is assertive, a woman is aggressive. Just writing this is irritating me because it's unfair. And if I dig deeper, I realise it's because my sense of freedom is being challenged — the freedom to express what I deem fit and how I make choices as is appropriate for me. Also, my basic need and want to be accepted is rattled — forcing me to be acceptable rather than accepting myself for who I am.

How you express your anger earns you many labels, especially in a world where we must all strive to fit in.

How lack affects anger

Another layer of anger is a sense of lack. Lack leads to frustration and in many cases, resentment. An example of this in our society would be working mothers. A woman can pursue her ambitions. Sure — however, only if she can also take care of her family and home. If she fails to excel at the latter, she will be deemed as not good enough or someone who is not making a gender-appropriate choice. The judgement that working moms have to constantly tackle creates a sense of resentment. Also, depending on how much physical and logistical support she receives, she is constantly making up for a lack of help. Now, frustration enters the chat.

The resentment is telling her something is not okay and something needs to change, while the frustration tells her she is not secure and she needs to do something differently. Very often, women will not ask for help because they will be judged and that’ll cause them to feel frustrated because nobody is realising that they need help. Yes, anger can be a vicious cycle. Another common, almost cliched, anger loop is the need for vengeance or justice to get closure.

Very often, women will not ask for help because they will be judged and that’ll cause them to feel frustrated because nobody is realising that they need help.

How to communicate when angry

The question is how should one then express themselves or work around this conundrum? If we express ourselves, we will be labelled unkindly and if we don't, we'll stew in our own anger, maybe even stoking it into a suppressed rage. The best way to deal with this is to learn to respond appropriately, instead of reacting impulsively. Also, know that whether you respond appropriately or react impulsively, angry communication will rarely be received favourably. There will always be a pushback of sorts, and this tug of war must be expected as well as accepted. Just as you are angry, your response or reaction will make the other person feel something too.

I have a life hack that helps my clients and me process and express our anger in a way that is aligned with who we are, as well as the result we want to experience. This process requires us to understand what angers us and it's best done on pen and paper.

The activity:

1. Observe all the things that anger you and list them down in order of intensity. For example, my lowest state of anger is annoyance and it's usually caused by what I would tag as silly behaviours like forgetfulness, carelessness, etc. Above that would be irritation which I feel very often when my laptop isn't doing what I need it to do or when call centre folks incessantly call to sell me another loan.
2. Next to each thing, write down your usual reactions (preferably in a single sentence).
3. Now, ask yourself how you would rather respond in each situation and make a note of that as well.

Your response to step 3 is what you need to put into practice as much as you can on a daily basis. But in order to truly process your anger, beyond just changing your reactions, you need to complete step 4 — understand which belief of yours or way of thinking or being is threatened in each of the situations you've listed. So, essentially, you need to identify the real reasons attached to the triggers and express your anger aligned with that ‘real reason,’ instead of just firing away a reflex reaction to your trigger.

Setting boundaries

Responding appropriately to that which angers you will result in you placing boundaries or highlighting the ones you have already placed. It involves letting people know that there are lines that must not be crossed and when they are crossed, it causes you discomfort and pain. Anger can be expressed through a firm tone and every situation does not merit a screaming match. But if you do find yourself exercising your vocal cords a lot, then ask yourself why are you feeling so unheard? You may want to change the way you are communicating or to whom you are saying things to, because despite your volume, it's falling on deaf ears. And you deserve to be heard.

 Chetna Chakravarthy is a Life Coach and Healing Practitioner. The views expressed are the author's own.