'Preparation for the real world' Have Parents Taken it Too Far?

"Times are changing". Times have been changing for ages. The ones who are parents now must have thought that their parents are outdated. And their parents must have thought that their parents couldn’t understand them. This is a cycle of generational gaps. Where a child cannot relate to their parents. But let’s take a moment and question ourselves, What do parents want?

In a brief survey conducted for my study, 100 participants(parents) answered the question, “What do you want for your children?”

The answers varied based on age. From birth till their teenage parents focused on the physical and academic growth of their children. Parents of young adults (teenagers) wanted them to be more focused on their careers and parents of adults beyond 20 wished for their children to be ‘settled’, further explaining how they meant for their children to be content and happy in their lives.

One factor that stayed constant whether the offspring was 3 or 30 was protection.

Since parents are held accountable for most of the outcomes of their offspring, they tend to take the protection of their children very seriously. Parents should take up responsibility for the prevention of hazards to their children. However, there is a thin line between being vigilant about threats and being possessive of your child, and I have witnessed parents cross this line way too many times.

During family counseling sessions I have come across a few parents who have a relatively harsh attitude towards their children in terms of disciplining them and wanting them to be obedient by controlling as much as they can of their offspring's lives. Methods like the ill-treatment of the offspring have been the most common technique.

Preparing them for the real world

When asked why it is so important for parents to treat their children harshly and show them 'tough love', Most of the parents had a similar answer and that was because they are preparing them for the real world. The parents believed that the world is a brutal place and they need to train their children to survive this harsh world. But in the bargain of training them to survive, they are diminishing their offspring’s enthusiasm to live to their full potential.

Sure, the real world may be a tough place, and educating your children about the dangers is the right thing to do but you don't need to prepare them for smaller downfalls. Allow me to explain it with an example.

Trash talk is damaging

For instance, During therapy, I came across an adult (male) who was having trouble keeping up at work, couldn't sleep at night, had trouble performing well sexually, and could manage work, personal, and family life balance. After many sessions, he opened up about how he couldn't provide his best creative skill at work because he kept hearing his mother’s voice ringing through his head saying “this is stupid, you think someone will pay you for drawing?”

After many more sessions, I realized that his parents kept trash-talking to him and his sibling. ‘Trash talk’ may not seem that damaging but when an individual has to continuously hear about how bad they are at their craft or skill, over time it will grow on them and they will start to play the role of a ‘loser’ even if they aren't one.

During family counseling, the parent had one simple explanation as to why they are continuously harshly criticizing and insulting their offspring’s work.

“I am preparing them for the real world, no one is going to be waiting with open arms to hire them, they have to be the best!” They said.

The parent’s intention may be right, they are after all training their child for a downfall before they come across a real one. But I think their knowledge and execution were wrong.

Something I would like to tell parents, hear me out!

If the world is already a harsh place, your children will need a haven.

The world is already there to throw rocks at them, let them learn their lesson in their way, at their own pace. Your children need to go on the battlefield every day and perform their best, this is something they are aware of. By creating a training ground for the battlefield at home you are leading your child to believe that they have 2 wars to fight.

1. The battlefield outside their house
2. The battlefield at home.

And trust me when I say that the battlefield at home will be more hurtful and would do more damage than the outside one. Your children will start to believe that they have 2 wars to fight but no place to show their scars. When this happens, your offspring will turn towards any kind of affection shown by the outside world. They will start to get vulnerable with anyone who acknowledges their scars instead of preparing them for another battle.  Whether the affection is legitimate or just to lure them in they will fall for it and that in fact would be dangerous.

Please don't turn your home into a battlefield as well, let it be a place where they can show their scars after the battle.

Think about it.

Rita Mendonca is a Clinical psychologist and founder of mymindgains. The views expressed are the author's own.