Sometimes, It Takes Time To Realise What Love Feels Like

This Valentine's Day, here's a short tale of how love often knocks at your door when you least expect it and, more often than not, you realise what it means when you're about to lose it.

The Silence Between Goodbyes

I didn’t realise that my world spun around her till I let her go.

I vividly remember the glumness of the grey winter day. Exactly two weeks to Christmas. The departure time for British Airways was 0830 hours. I picked her from Cassilis Road, Canary Wharf for Heathrow Airport. I could never imagine that silence between us could be haunting. My heart was pumping fast, my soul in complete unrest, a volcano inside me waiting to burst.

I didn’t want Meera to go, that’s all I knew. ‘Why’ was something I couldn’t figure out.

“Are you all set to go?” I hesitantly asked her.

She had been looking outside the window. We had just exchanged a dry ‘Hi’. I thought it would be wise if I broke the awkward silence that was throbbing exhaustively.

She looked towards me without making eye contact, faked a smile and said “Yeah, I guess”

No last-minute pleasantries. No comforting hugs.

With a simple straightforward bye, she asked me to take care of Priya.

 ***

I first saw Meera in the summer of 2001 at the IGI Airport while she was coming to London for her post-grad. Meera was 20-something, had long hair neatly tied in a plait, eyes coiled with kajal, a perfect smile and an angel-like serenity on her face.

While I was observing this cute face, I never knew we would sit next to each other on the long flight. A flash of clairvoyance told me this acquaintance would lead to something. I cheerfully extended my hand and said “Hi”.

She meekly looked at me with suspicious eyes, didn’t utter a word and then after a second thought introduced herself, “Hi, Meera” That was a cold, unfriendly reply. I wonder if I was looking like a street ruffian or does, she believes in one of the stories concocted about bad boys meeting good girls in planes and getting them trapped in smuggling drugs.

For the next four hours, I didn’t exist for her. The long flying time sowed seeds of boredom and it made her realize that a person was sitting next to her who looked eager for a conversation. She looked at me and said Hi again and as she talked with childlike innocence, the glow from her cheeks lit up her eyes and I just couldn’t take my eyes off her.

***

From text messages to coffee shops, I didn’t realize when she became a habit. Never before had I shared my fears, anxieties and dreams with anyone. Never before had I felt comfortable being me. She has become a safe place. At times when she will miss her family and cry stoically then I would draw her close and wrap her in a hug. Her hug meant the world to me.

I was on my way to drop Meera to her apartment when I received a phone call from Priya. I grabbed the phone on the first ring and from the other side a chirpy spunky voice pierced my ear.

‘Hey Mad, guess, what?’ She said, ‘I’ll be coming to do the Insurance client for two weeks and we get to spend the winter break together. Isn’t it Great!” She said excitedly.

A twinge of guilt ran down my spine. I don’t know why I felt guilty because I didn’t do anything to let her down. Meera and I were just a good friend. 

Priya was the girl I was in awe of. She was a super achiever. Always admired, envied, feted and fawned over for her style, charm and intellect. She was exactly how I was, ambitious, aggressive, conceited and confident. 

Priya and I had moved in together, and we were doing everything a happy couple does but something was amiss.

***

“I didn’t realize that my world spun around her till I let her go.”

Meera had completely withdrawn herself. She was behaving strangely; she was ignoring my phone calls and parried my questions when I asked her to explain why she was behaving like that. I longed for her. There were times when I would miss her so much that my heart would explode. She was constantly on my mind and I did everything to distract myself. I just wanted to get a grip on my life.

As I was pouring a drink after an exhausting week at work. Priya sat me down and said in a sombre voice, “I just want you to hear me out and I don’t want answers.”

“I don’t see you happy anymore. I wish I was wrong but Meera had taken that happy person away from me. The fondness with which you talk about her. In a passing reference, you would mention her name. Meera would love this restaurant, this is her favourite sandwich, she wouldn’t watch a murder mystery; she would have loved the snowfall. You have observed her keenly and closely. She has taken you over by a storm.”

For me, it was a moment of catharsis. I could sense the undercurrent but couldn’t decipher my own feelings. Every word that Priya said made sense. I didn’t feel like justifying or denying it. Meera’s absence had left me with a void that no one else could fill.  

Priya looked at me, smiled reassuringly and said, "I won’t hold back a person who was never mine. Go get your girl."

***

“Sometimes, it takes time to realise what love feels like.”  

It’s been two decades together and, even now, as she talks the glow from her cheeks lights up her eyes and I can't take my eyes off her.