Obsession With Partner's Exes: Jealousy Or Lust?

Two summers ago when maturity left my soul and indecisiveness captured my mind, I pledged to destroy my life in 101 ways. And of course this happens because of a boy! Poets and writers are rarely effervescent when they document love and now I know there is a reason you thrive on words when you are consumed by everlasting despair and dread. And yes, there is also an ex in this story (exes to be precise).

"To be An Ass Or Not To Be"- The Boyfriend? 

Every teenager is once captivated by the most charming boy they see amongst the dreary crowd (not much of a choice). We had been friends for a year and he was already with someone and I was perfectly comfortable with every decision I had made until...this. When he separated from his ex, I confessed and came clean with my feelings. The most immature decision may seem like being in a situationship with someone but you are absolutely wrong. It is to stay in a place of indecision when your partner is "confused” about his feelings between you and his ex. But this didn't bother me back then (old habits die hard) and I stayed for the "hope of it all." 

I always knew I wasn't insecure about my looks but I looked for details. Details on her face, her hands, her hair and her clothes. I still wasn't a fully blown stalker by then, it began once my partner said he is "confused" and needs "some time" to make a decision and "choose." I was startled and felt the urge to run away and hire a hitman but I also wanted to be the one he chose. So I stayed. Soon the obsession started seeping in and I was unaware of it even while fully committing the crimes of stalking her 450 times a day.

I compared and analysed every feature of hers like a Michelangelo painting. I was taking mental notes of her personality and the way she used to laugh, be unapologetic and the way her hair was set loose all the time. I would force myself to drive these features in a negative column because I was put against her. He ultimately chose me but her face still haunted me and social media (Instagram) made things harder.

I now realise it was his actions and lack of self-control that made me stalk her and her comments section, scan for his name and obsess over the comment. I never hated or disliked her but I also never saw myself so close to her as if I had to write a thousand-word essay on her being. 

I would often wonder, "Why her?", "What does he see in her?" or "Did they have something magical?" I can attest to the fact that he never did anything to calm these thoughts but he did aggravate them from time to time until one fine day I became his ex!

One of the hardest but best decisions I could make until I got to know he found another ‘victim.’ As an ex, I did obsess over the current girl as well. The most frustrating thing is how I don't know anything about her and she remains absolutely "mysterious" to my ever-churning plagued mind as a writer. 

As I watched Sabrina Carpenter's music video 'Taste', I was revisited by riveting moments of acting out in the most implausible ways. When she says, "I heard you’re back together and if that’s true / You’ll just have to taste me when he’s kissing you," I felt the need to pause and ponder over it. Do we take the power away from men by focusing on women? Or is the power still with him in how we choose to act out?

Olivia Rodrigo's song 'Obsessed' mentions, "I’m so obsessed with your ex / I know she’s been asleep on my side of your bed." Which makes these songs relatable but also serves as a validation for our demented feelings.

There is always an urge to know more about their ex even if you are perfectly happy with your partner, this doesn't necessarily mean you are on a self-sabotage spree. As Tabitha Bast, a psychosexual and relationship therapist says, "It can just be curiosity," or "It can be because of comparison and jealousy, it may be, in part, to be gathering information about your current partner," and who they were before they met you. The reasons are countless but every obsession is a synonym of self-sabotage even if it starts as love or curiosity.

Women vs Women

Another question that I've wondered for many years is why we go out of our way to label someone as the 'other woman' and villanise their existence when all she did was be extremely pretty and cool in her own way? Pitting two girls against each other and wanting them to obsess, stress and be possessed is what men and largely our society want.

Women are one of the most emotionally rich and diverse creatures who have so much love to give but it can also be easily triggered. The idea of being obsessed with your partner's ex or present girlfriend is an instinct for many but is it always jealousy? Perhaps it is about how we feel or want to feel about ourselves. The underlying words behind those complex emotions are always, "why not me?" 

As we struggle to conform to reality we harness ourselves towards the most turbulent emotions to seek comfort but it is always a path of self-destruction. We find reasons to dissociate from who we are instead of appreciating ourselves. As women, we shall find strength in each other but simultaneously be swept off our feet by others' beauty too. 

I went through all the questions and concluded as the mist cleared off. My partner's ex, the current girl and I are some of the best women he could come across and the real problem is him. It was never his ex (including me) or any other girl, it was always him. But sometimes we fall in love with the idea of a person and not the person himself. The most ironic thing will always be how I made up my mind to dislike his ex and now I respect, cherish and adore her (from a distance).

Views expressed by the author are their own