Girl Talk: Is it normal for your man to want you to have big boobs?

#GirlTalk is SheThePeople’s advice column. Have a question? Send it to us girltalk@shethepeople.tv – It can be anonymous if you’d like it that way. Women from different walks of life share advice and their personal experience to help you overcome your own inhibitions. 

Dear Girl Talk

Is it normal for your man to want you to have big boobs? Speaking as someone who wasn't gifted with big breasts, I really, really want to know why men fall for girls with big boobs.

The Small Breast Woman

Dear Small Breast Woman,

Empirically speaking, the world is designed for men. The idea of sex we grow up with is designed for the pleasure and gratification of the heterosexual man. It is, then, unsurprising that an experience shared by innumerable women across the world can still make us doubt ourselves.

It isn’t normal at all for your partner to desire you to have larger breasts. Your breasts are a part of your body, not a separate sexual organ simply for your partner’s gratification. No one who doesn’t respect your body should be allowed access to it.

Having said that, love is a complicated affair. Impulsively, my advice to you would be to look at it as a red flag and exit a relationship that is making you demean your own body. However, you may not want to leave your partner, and there can be many ways in which I would never know the nuances of your interaction with him. To jump the gun and advise you to break up with him would be a cop out on my part as someone who’s trying to help you see through this healthily.

There are two specific things you may want to introspect, and interact with your partner about, if this is a relationship you want to continue being a part of.

One, try to gauge the source of this ‘desire’. Speak to him about his consumption of pornography. Most of men’s ideas of women’s bodies stem from the popular porn culture they are privately a part of.  Discuss with him the kind of porn he’s watched while growing up, and in which ways it may have shaped his idea of a sexual life.  Does he think it is healthy to impose the physical attributes of someone he sees on camera on his real life partner? You should both try to read more about the porn industry, and what it takes for the women in porn to continue doing what they do, the adversities they face. To learn more about the industry is a way for him to also humanise the women he watches namelessly, and not as mere vessels for his satisfaction. The very act of him communicating this expectation from you stems from a deep cognitive dissonance. The only way out of this is to have longer conversations with him about why he even wants you to have larger breasts. This isn’t your problem to fix.

Two, do not let this affect your sense of self in any way. I assure you, this isn’t a lacking on your part in any way whatsoever. Your body is your primary caretaker, and anyone who expects anything out of it should be drawn boundaries with, and not allowed in your mind. Try to parse through negative thoughts that you may have silently begun harbouring within yourself due to this expectation of having larger breasts.  This isn’t your responsibility. The onus lies solely on your partner to resolve this. All you can do is nudge him towards awareness.

What counts as a red flag?

1. His denial to discuss with you the porn he watches. The pornography we consume is as much a part of our sexual life and identity as is the sex we have. It shapes in many ways the expectations we have from our sex lives, albeit saliently. If he is unwilling to share with you something very foundational to his sexual behaviour, you may want to rethink your investment in the relationship.
2. His unwillingness to have an open conversation/a dismissive attitude towards your concern. If your partner isn’t paying adequate and due attention to your response to an expectation that can really affect your own body image, this isn’t worth labouring for. If you continue to persist and are met with a very dismissive attitude, you should sincerely consider the consequences of relentless emotional labour for someone else, on yourself. Are you taking away the attention your body and mind need from you, and putting it towards providing for someone else’s awareness? You might as well walk out.

If your partner is willing to look into his patterns of pop culture consumption and the way in which it may have shaped his expectations from you, you both might be able to find a place of consensus and harmony. This may even become a point of deep intellectual communication with you two.

However, know that in no way are you expected to mother or fix him. Acknowledge first hand that this is an unhealthy expectation. Tell him that it is deeply hurtful. If he doesn’t respect you, still, seek help from your support system, and walk out. Love is wonderful, but in no way worth feeling small for.

Girl Talk

#GirlTalk is SheThePeople’s advice column. Have a question? Send it to us girltalk@shethepeople.tv – It can be anonymous if you’d like it that way. Women from different walks of life share advice and their personal experience to help you overcome your own inhibitions.