Parenting Difficulty: Talking To Children About Death And Grief Is Not Easy, Here's How You Can Steer The Conversation

Talking about death and the grief associated with it are probably the most difficult conversations in life. Even as adults we find it difficult to express and cope with these feelings. So how do you explain the loss of a loved one to a child, even if it is a pet? My neighbour was fostering an ailing kitten which had been abandoned by its mom, probably way too soon. Meowy soon became a favourite with the kids. Meowy had the same medicines the kids had. However, even after trying very hard to recuperate, Meowy left us. We told the kids that the kitten's heart stopped beating because it was sick. The heart can stop beating when you are sick or you get too old. And after your heart stops beating you become a star in the sky.

That consoled the heartbroken five-year-old at home for the time being. But questions kept coming, and I realised he has come face to face with an emotion which he cannot comprehend yet. In the evening, came another question did dadu (my aunt’s husband who passed away after battling cancer for over three years) at mashi’s house also become a star? Yes, he did too. So, can we go to the roof to see two stars? We did.

Then came the question are you happy or sad that Meowy has become a star? Probably, the most difficult question I have ever answered. I said I am happy that Meowy is not sick anymore and sad that I am not going to see it anymore.

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This prompted me to think that as parents explaining death is probably the most difficult conversation to have with a child and it becomes even tougher when you are yourself grieving. Here I speak to Geeta Dharmarajan educator and the Executive Director of Katha and Rhea Raghavi Dubey, Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychologist to understand how best to speak to kids about difficult emotions such as death and grief.

Explaining death

Geeta Dharmarajan says, “Explaining death is the most difficult thing I have ever come across, and every parent needs to have patience when they are talking about it. He/She needs to cry with the child, hug them and make them feel that there is nothing wrong in expressing emotions. We are very uncomfortable with death that is why we handle it with euphemisms. I think you have to understand that when you are a living being you have to die. The problem is when the child is slightly older and they go into silence, sometimes distancing happens between parent and child. Here a support group for parents, maybe a good idea.”

Rhea Raghavi Dubey says, “We all have this habit of turning death into a mysterious thing, as long as you make it clear that you are not going to see that person or the pet again it is okay to say, for kids under five, that they turned into a star.”

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Rhea adds that death as an experience about being a human is new to a child. She/he has no idea how to react, and so it is important to tell them that it comes with mixed feelings. You are happy for the person because they are no longer in pain but you are sad that you are going to miss them.

Death In the family

Geeta points out in case of death in the family, “somebody whom they and have seen and loved all their lives has suddenly gone, this is where it is very different from a kitten/or a pet where you can replace a pet. Once a person is dying in front of a child it is a very harrowing experience for a child because all of us are crying around the person and we can’t keep our tears, we show we are emotional and the child does not know what is happening, the child does not know what led this.”

“It is a difficult moment depending on the age of the child, and when a child does not understand fully you can say they turn into a star. But with small kids every once in a while, they are going to come back and ask is so and so not going to come back?”

Rhea adds, “In case of a death in the family it is important to explain to them what to expect, saying people are going to come, they bring us food, these are the kind to clothes we wear for a few days to show respect, they take the body away, etc etc.”

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She further adds that often, it’s the grandparents we lose first. So it is important to talk about how you can continue to do some of your favourite things together to remember them.

Dealing with Grief

Rhea points out “Grief is the hardest feeling that human beings have to deal with, it includes anger, it includes jealousy it sometimes includes happiness and sometimes also a sense of relief. Grief is really complicated.”

Geeta says, “During COVID-19 people died and then they had to be secreted away, people mourned without the person, it is not the way you deal with death normally.”

She believes that the rituals help us get over grief. As adults, we get drowned in the rituals. However, the best thing to do in these times is to listen to the child, and answer their questions because most of us adults often don’t listen to the child.

Answering the questions

Rhea says, “sometimes we just do not explain things to children assuming they will understand, which they will be creating in their own language for it. They may infer from your behaviour than what is appropriate. It is a good time to start naming emotions, they have it but don’t know what it is called. Saying that we both are sad and the kitten loved you too, gives them a language for the feeling. If they are very attached to the pet it helps to have some kind of ritual to close it as we have for humans.”

Internalising the blame or kids moving into silence after a loss

Rhea says using simple clear words is important, they do tend to blame themselves so keeping an eye out is important, saying things like you are not at fault, these are things that we can’t help.

Geeta also shared a story about how when they lost their dog in a hit and run and her son went into silence. He felt it was all his fault. She says it is important that you talk frankly to the child and wait for them to come back with questions.

Rhea says, “It’s quite normal for a kid to go silent after a loss, the way we can comprehend death they cannot because they don’t understand time in the same way. Don’t panic because then the child will feel in my silence, I am wrong. And if you feel that the child is blaming themselves then it is important to address that. If they remain silent for too long then it is a good idea to seek professional help.”

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Kids worrying about their own parents' death

Geeta says, “So when we listen to the child and the child asks a question we try and give a very honest answer. So if you say the heart stops, the next question can be will my heart stop, then you say it has to do with old age, or sickness, so the next question maybe is everybody who is old dies? Will my mother die, will my father die?"

Rhea says “Often kids will start worrying about the death of their parents, it’s important to talk about how you carry people in your heart, and mummy and daddy are always there with you in your heart.”