Girl Talk: I don't believe in physical affection or intimacy. Is it ok to not want sex?

#GirlTalk is SheThePeople’s advice column. Have a question? Send it to us girltalk@shethepeople.tv – It can be anonymous if you’d like it that way. Women from different walks of life share advice and their personal experience to help you overcome your own inhibitions. Today’s question is answered by Deepa, who is a writer/editor based out of Chennai. 

Dear Girl Talk

I really do not believe much in physical affection or intimacy. I think I’m not comfortable with it. Will it be ok for a guy with whom I’m going to be in a relationship? I want to remain a virgin for my whole life. I know it’s stupid but it’s how I feel. I’m super scared of sex for some reason. I just don’t feel like I’m ready or maybe I don’t want sex at all. All my friends think I’m just overreacting when I say this. Is it ok to not want sex?

- Not Ready For Sex

Dear Not Ready For Sex

Thank you for taking the time and courage to express your feelings in asking this question. After I received your question, I did take some time out to read more about sexuality. First of all, let me tell you that just like pan, bi, homosexuality and straight, asexuality also falls on the spectrum of human sexuality; albeit it’s not as openly discussed. I do feel after reading your question that you still haven’t completely accepted your sexuality. It is as normal to be an asexual as it is to be straight or homosexual. Please do not closet your thoughts based on the societal norms of sexuality and understand that your feelings towards sex don’t necessarily mean that you can’t be intimate. Sex is most often mistaken to be the ultimate form of intimacy, thanks to our society’s obsession with packing sex and romance in the same bag of human emotions. 

“I really do not believe much in physical affection or intimacy. I think I’m not comfortable with it.”  Have you started feeling this way after having had some sort of physical interaction with someone? Or have you never tried it due to the fear of not being able to feel the same way as your partner does? I do suggest you explore and then accept how you truly feel about sex. Follow the concept of define, determine and delve; define or explore your true feelings about sexual intimacy and based on how you feel about it, determine and identify where you fall on the spectrum of sexuality. If you determine that you are asexual, then accept and delve into it. The Internet has given the much needed momentum to the movement of asexuality. I highly suggest that you follow The Asexual Visibility and Education Network and read about the experiences of others who identify as asexual. I have faith that once you read through, you will find it easier to accept your own feelings.

“Will it be ok for a guy with whom I’m going to be in a relationship?” Well, none of us at this point can say if your future partner would be ok with your feelings about sex. I do believe relationships are fluid just like sexuality and there’s no one size fits for all. Thanks to the recent discussions on asexuality network forums, we know that there are people who feel like you do and you never know; you might find someone to fall in love with who mirrors your feelings about sexuality. Even if you do fall in love with someone who feels otherwise, please understand that hiding your sexuality from him would cause problems in your relationship because your happiness matters as much as his. It is important that you are yourself and at your happy space when it comes to being in a relationship. Having been with my husband for 6 years, I can tell you that in the long run, honesty and individual happiness contributes in finding the balance that’s needed for a happy relationship. We both don’t necessarily find sexual fulfilment in the same acts of intimacy. However, by identifying and finding that balance, we are now in a happy place in the bedroom. I want to advise you that there’s no need for despair; you will find someone with whom you can find this balance.

“To put it more briefly, I want to remain a virgin for the rest of my life. I know it’s stupid but it’s how I feel.” Please do not consider yourself or your feelings to be irrelevant or stupid. Like I said, it is ultimately your happiness that matters. If after identifying and accepting that you’re asexual and you do have a relationship, please be honest and tailor it accordingly. Only you and your future partner can curate your relationship. Please allow yourself to fall in love and start your journey towards shaping your partnership when you’re ready. 

Please do not blame yourself for overreacting just because your friends have told you so. I don’t blame them for their comments because our society is still struggling in accepting anyone who doesn’t fall under their perception or definition of being normal. With regards to you saying that you’re scared of sex for some reason and that you’re not ready, please do take your time to accept your feelings and educate yourself that there’s nothing wrong in feeling how you do. 

Finally, coming to your last question, if it is ok to not want sex? Absolutely! Ask your friends who either have been married or have had a relationship for a long time, if they would live a life without sex or love? I can tell you with confidence that they would choose to have love over sex in a long run. I wish you all the best in your quest for finding a fulfilling relationship where you matter and your happiness too! Do write to us when you do.

Kindly, Your friend who doesn’t think your feelings are “stupid”.

Deepa 

#GirlTalk is SheThePeople’s advice column. Have a question? Send it to us girltalk@shethepeople.tv – It can be anonymous if you’d like it that way. Women from different walks of life share advice and their personal experience to help you overcome your own inhibitions.