Why Being Labeled 'Clingy' May Mean You're Emotionally Dependent

Emotional dependency can be difficult to spot. One minute, you are calling your partner at work because you had a bad day; the next, you have made it a habit of calling them every day, even after they have told you it's inappropriate. It is easy to fall in love with someone so hard that you can't be away from them. But when does love morph into dependency? And what is so wrong with being dependent on your partner? 

Emotional dependency can manifest in different ways. But for most, the core of the problem is the same: they rely on their partners for their own emotional needs. Emotional needs include the need for safety, achievement, belonging, and love, which are present in all human beings to various degrees. Often, these emotional needs are met through a plethora of sources: friends, family, partners, and mental health practitioners. But when you start to tilt the scale to put all the weight of your emotional needs on one person, a relationship becomes dependent. Suddenly, you need their validation to feel smart or competent at work. Or if your partner points out your perceived flaw, your self-esteem plummets, and you no longer feel like a valuable human being. Rather than having a strong sense of self for yourself, your identity rests on how your partner treats you. 

Clearly, this can be tricky ground to tread through. When you base your self-esteem on an external factor, even if it is a loving partner, your self-perception can oscillate between feeling great about yourself and then suddenly hating yourself. You might lose the essence of your own personality in your attempt to shape yourself into what your partner wants. Worst of all, this makes you incredibly vulnerable to abusive or manipulative relationships. 

What Are The Signs Of Emotionally Dependent People? 

1. Possessiveness: If you find yourself being extremely possessive of your partner, even in situations where such feelings should not be present, then you might be emotionally dependent. This could manifest in the form of you being jealous of someone else even when there are clear signs that your partner is not interested in them or feeling neglected when your partner gives priority to their other interests.
2. You are scared of losing them. Emotionally dependent people are often terrified at the idea of losing their partner. They might go above and beyond to do anything they can to prevent this from happening, even if the partner themselves has shown no desire to leave you.  
3. Reassurance: When your sense of self actively depends upon someone else, you take everything they say or do as something that must directly impact your personality. This could mean that you rely on their constant reassurance to feel good about yourself. When you get a promotion at work, you need their validation to feel like you are deserving of it. But if your partner doesn't say anything or criticises you, your whole world comes crashing down.

How Do You Cope With Emotional Dependency?

1. Create a sense of self - Emotionally dependent people struggle to define their own interests and desires outside of that of their partners. This could be prevented by developing your own identity and self-esteem based on what you deem to be valuable. Just because your partner calls you a creative person does not mean you might be a creative person. You must determine what you deem valuable with introspection and build your identity and esteem around those value systems.
2. Practice Aloneness: Like the age-old adage says, just because you are alone, doesn't mean you are lonely. Learn to differentiate between being alone and being lonely. You must learn to be on your own, cultivate your own interests and learn to exist outside of your partner's influence. Take up hobbies that require you to be separate from them, spend a day with just yourself or plan a solo date night. These simple steps of putting yourself physically away from your partner and with yourself could help you understand more about yourself. 
3. Feel your feelings - Sometimes, emotionally dependent people tend to suppress difficult emotions by obsessing over their partners. Several toxic relationships emerge when you bury negative feelings instead of taking steps to acknowledge their presence and work to overcome them. The next time you feel sad, instead of calling your partner to come over and soothe you, try to cope with it yourself. Ask yourself why you are feeling this way. Assess the root cause of the emotion. Then, sit with that feeling for a while, allowing yourself to process it instead of turning to distractions. 

Emotional dependency is not an end-all. It stems from not taking the right steps to fulfil your own needs. If this is something that you feel you cannot handle on your own, consult a licensed therapist or mental health provider. Remember, your mental health matters.