How You Can Surpass The Difficulty In Difficult Conversations

Palms sweaty, Heart racing, Stomach in knots. You can’t cry for help. Not only is your throat too tight to breathe, but it is awkward. No, you are not being stuck by a monster. You are simply trying to stir up a hornet’s nest by initiating a difficult conversation. Something that seemed pitifully small exploded like a volcano or it can be termed as a snowball effect.

For days, months and years you were constantly ignoring the seismic eruptions of discomfort, unable to decipher your own emotions, contemplating whether you should or shouldn’t talk, and it came to a point, that for some petty infraction, you leave the relationship cold. Either you quit the company because the promised promotion didn’t come your way or for the difference of opinion you quit a personal relationship. What we might suspect to be earth-shattering damning was unquestionably required to save the relationship and the long-term bond. If you steer clear of contentious conversations, then you might lose the truth in the maze of contradictions and assumptions.

The Difficulty In Difficult Conversations

The reasons behind not getting into tough conversations can be many and various. From the fear of being misunderstood to the fear of being pulled down. The reason we evade such dialogue is because we do not perceive it as an opportunity to unclog the mind. Sometimes such conversations can be an acid attack on one’s perception of reality. The cacophony of criticism can be repugnant and repellant where much of the criticism can be snide, not substantive, resentful rather than reasonable, ignorant rather than informed.

The heart of the conflict lies in unmet needs, unaddressed issues, unresolved hurts, and unspoken fears. Just like negotiation skills or any other cognitive skill, difficult conversation is a skill one must get better at. If it is practiced indiscriminately and unhesitatingly one gets better at saving long-term associations. 

If you look around, you will see that having a difficult conversation is a secret of the seemingly ideal family down the street. It’s an important ingredient for making relationships work (both personal and professional). Whether it is resolving a conflict with our spouse over finances or child-rearing or a nagging mother-in-law, an overprotective parent trying to force their choices or interacting with a challenging customer and dealing with an underperforming employee. 

Tips To Get Through To The Other Person

To say a difficult message well, break it down into three parts.

1. Instead of bombarding them with questions and emotions, use a pacing tool. A micro yes to questions like, “Do you have 5 minutes to talk about an important issue?” This is going to prepare them for something big coming their way. Start with a way of being that seeks collaboration. It is not about what you say but how you say it that matters. When you lead with “I need your help in resolving the matter” it doesn’t feel like you are sitting on two sides of the table, where one is ostensibly on edge. It helps you share your perspective and listen to theirs. Let the heart do the talking and listening.

2. While you are talking, keep the data points ready. The conversation can be about what happened, what you felt and how it hurts your sense of self. The data points are going to keep the talk structured and clear the cobwebs. When we talk too much, we lose the focus in such conversations.  

3. End the conversation with a pertinent question on how they see the issue, it helps to create commitment rather than compliance. Commitment to look at the solution rather than just celebrating a problem. 

Mankind is the most frangible race because it works on human connections. To probe into the murky depths of human experience one must repudiate the notion that things will be fine on their own. Interpersonal dyspepsia will never prepare a strong gut. For everything worth having, we ought to work towards it. Muster the inner fortitude to talk it out because no conversations lead to no relationship. The difficult thing that you have to say makes all the difference in making the relationship rock solid. Surface-level conversations will only lead to surface-level relationships.

Authored by Radhika Dhingra