'I Can Do It': Why Hyper-Independence Sometimes Turns Into A Red Flag

2008: A gender gap report showed that the proportion of economically independent women had risen from 39% to nearly 45%

2023: Figures claimed 60% of women are financially independent with Finland ranking #1 in upholding principles of women’s autonomy

The concept of “independent women” is now key to Global Sustainable Development Goals, covering a wide range of topics – from food security among indigenous women to the gendered digital divide in metros. Agreed, much needs to be achieved still, but there is good news too with a UN report highlighting that more women are in political decision-making posts worldwide than ever.

If we Character AI our way to a feminist desk at Chaayos – think Abigail Adams with her kulhad chai, Qasim Amin with a mint tea latte, Anne Besant nursing a Pahadi chai, Simone de Beauvoir sharing a cutting chai with Savitribai Phule, there would be collective hurrahs to celebrate such news, isn’t it? The MoM would highlight what a long, long way women had come since their fight for basic rights to vote and receive education. 

Yes, that would be the natural turn of events. 

However, today’s reality is stark, strange and scary with the concept of “Hyper Independence” in women on the upswing. Hyper anything is not good news and “Hyper Independence” apparently is almost on a pandemic scale, one of the fallouts of which could be that an “estimated 45% of women in the age bracket of 25-44 will be single in 2030” according to an IB study. 

These are aware, ambitious, alpha women we are talking about, who alarmingly also constitute a rising percentage of stressed, anxious youngsters actively seeking psychotherapy, psychology and psychiatry consultations. And that’s where the new-age scourge of “hyper independence” is rearing its ugly head. 

Why scourge one may ask when independence per se is a coveted virtue -- all about paying your own bills, running your own life, and not craving social validation. “I don’t wait for things to happen; I make them happen. I am a determined, independent woman who knows how to achieve her goals” – you may argue. 

Being independent, as per one definition, entails the ability to make and implement important decisions, the willingness to bear the consequences of those actions and the conviction that such behaviour is practical, moral and socially possible. 

Hyper Independence, on the other hand, highlight clinical psychologists, is rearing its ugly head as a trauma response in an era that puts too much of a premium on self-sufficiency, fast-paced career growth, unrealistic life goals and superlative multi-tasking; to the extent that “hyper independence” is becoming the defence mechanism of an overburdened generation eventually requiring behavioural therapy for recovery! 

Typically, these are people seen as workaholics who take on too much, as delegation is not part of the deal and trust issues abound, so they have very few close or long-term relationships. They thrive on micro-management, dreading bad days and are often bracketed as control freaks not aligned to the popular theory of “leading with vulnerability” that underlines the inherent strength, confidence and transparency of a successful boss, not only in professional scenarios but also in personal life.

Why Hyper-Independence Sometimes Turns Into A Red Flag

Hyper-independence, which also has to do with a tendency to self-blame and strive for perfectionism, “is more than self-reliance. It’s an unwavering insistence on autonomy. Hyper-independent people don’t do very well in teamwork situations as they are unwilling and unable to depend on others. They typically experience intense discomfort asking for or allowing others to assist them, even when they’re in dire need,” consequently leading to social isolation that can trigger physical and mental ailments. 

Right from parentification where “the parent imposes their unmet emotional, physical, or psychological needs onto the child” to gender role reversal, childhood abuse, unavailable partners, shrinking job security, romantic relationship issues, poor communication, unhealthy attachment styles and societal conditioning; Hyper Independent individuals end up shunning emotional vulnerability in day-to-day relationships thereby totally avoiding interdependence. This, according to therapists, is taking independence to the extreme which can get in the way of maintaining healthy relationships. 

Differentiating healthy independence from toxic hyper-independence is therefore very important for overall mental well-being. Over-relying on the self and under-relying on others even when feeling completely lost, say counsellors, is taking freedom to the extreme where it can “negatively impact relationships and cause deep anxiety.” 

It is a leading cause of work place burnout, compounded by the feeling of loneliness and hypervigilance that ensues. Multi-tasking inevitably leads to what in yoga is called the monkey-mind -- restless, not focussed, imbalanced! The resultant cognitive overload can negatively impact optimum performance in the long run because humans are genetically designed to be social beings who “rely on each other” say psychologists. So, if one has trouble giving up control it can get pretty overwhelming impacting one’s relationship with family, friends, colleagues, neighbours and self in major ways. 

All in not gloom and doom though, the glass IS half full too as the self-sabotaging tendency of Hyper or Fierce Independence can be brought back to healthy independence with mindful commitment and consistent effort. Experiential healing experts start with “identifying things you are struggling with and asking for help. Be brave. Collaboration is key and you need to actively unblock communication channels to be a team player.” 

Embrace the resultant me time, they advise, and the balance that breaks and limited work hours bring about. Start self-care practices routinely with self-reflection and gratitude journaling and see the difference in your overall health graph. Support is power, help is but a stepping stone to greater success and achievement. Talk to a therapist. Remember, the involvement of others in your growth journey through constructive feedback is crucial. Take a breath. One day at a time. Be human! 

Views expressed by the author are their own