Do You Dismiss Someone (In Your Mind) At First Glance Or Meeting?

I’ll dig into the summers of 2018 and share a memory that still irritates me like a grain of sand in the eye. I was a new mother and had just joined the office. With my post-pregnancy layers of flab and a baby tugging to my chest, grasping to the paraphernalia that consists of milk bottles, baby bag, office laptop, and lunch bag at full throttle I was trying to lock the house and leave for office. While locking the main door, I saw the new neighbour waiting for the elevator to reach our floor. I feebly gestured to them to wait but like a pair of cheerful inconsiderate monkeys, they just hopped into the elevator. Their hostile acrimonious approach left me befuddled. Not sure if human goodness was flagging in general or if this was a plain disregard for etiquette and manners. This gospel of stupidity came across as a sheer venom of attack. It’s been many years they have been bang opposite my house but my impression of them has not changed.

How often do you take cognizance of the way people appear and behave?

Another incident that merits fresh attention was when I was invited to someone’s house for dinner. I met this gentleman with his seemingly obvious love for whiskey. He pranced around with a blasé attitude and a glass in his hand. He seemed to have ruffled a few feathers by being totally preposterous with his comments on everything (people, places, politics) after gulping down almost the entire bottle this was glaringly apparent. If you can’t hold the drink, why drink socially? For me, there was a transcendent realisation that these are the types of people I would never like to hang around with.  

People either come across as pompous or humble, intelligent or foolish, frivolous or sober, even that indescribable harmonious smile or returning the gaze ingratiatingly helps to form an impression that lasts a lifetime. There are people whom you like to meet again and there are those you dread to meet again. 

In a world full of diverse channels and platforms of communication and connection, where there is an exponential scope of meeting new people (online and offline) first impressions have become more important than ever. An impression carried in that fleeting moment will decide the future course of the relationship (personal and professional).

There are multiple studies that look at how quickly we make first impressions, some say it only takes milli-seconds while others suggest longer. Two Princeton psychologists determined that a first impression can be formed in less than a tenth of a second. According to Harvard research, you usually need eight more pleasant interactions to make someone change their harsh perception of you. In this regard and context, you cannot sit on autopilot and let the impression penetrate through you.  

How long does it take for the cognitive inquiry to form an impression so delicate yet so strong that it swings on the string of the pendulum?

One drop of courtesy ripples outward. It's always about the small things, never about the big things. From giving genuine compliments to making eye contact. From holding the elevator door to pulling out the chair for someone to sit. From engaging people in a conversation to making them feel comfortable. Small gestures still warm the cockles of our hearts. Excuse me, you are welcome, thank you, please, sorry – they will always be the magic words. Returning the phone call, and replying to the text are still considered good manners. 

There will never be a substitute for undivided attention. Phubbing (paying attention to your phone rather than the person in front of you) is a phenomenon that came into existence in contemporary social life because of the chronic use of phones. How painful it is to be in a conversation with someone who lacks the basic courtesy to put the phone down.

Etiquette and manners are far more than rules like “keep the elbows off the table while dining” or which fork to use for a six-course meal. Etiquette is about providing a safe place for people to be themselves. I consider that as a basic social skill entrenched in awareness, respect and thankfulness. Being punctual, active listening, making an eye contact, saying thank you and genuine praises still maketh mankind. 

The art of good manners must never go out of fashion. First impressions are lasting impressions, so don’t forget manners at home when you go out and meet people. 

Authored by Radhika Dhingra 

Views expressed are the author's own.