Negative Comments and Disappointments are not Reasons to be Despondent

When We Thrive, Our World Thrives - Stories of Young People Growing Up With Adversity by Dr. Connie K. Chung, EdD with Vishal Talreja, brings the spotlight back on positive youth development and best practices needed for life skills. An excerpt:

The practice Afreen gained from the Dream a Dream After School Life Skills Programme is to confront limiting beliefs and uncover new possibilities even in the face of challenges also helped her to overcome another negative incident during her school days. In her School Leaving Certificate (SLC) exam, she got a very good mark, and all of her relatives praised her. But during her second year of pre-university classes, Afreen failed one subject. She said that she felt like "finishing myself." People taunted her to the point where she felt that she could not even leave her home. Even though her parents were supportive, other members of her family teased and made fun of her. But Afreen told herself, even in her lowest moments, "Why should I give up? What have I done? I just flunked one subject. I'll write it again; I'll write the test again." She studied, retook the test, and passed. She showed her relatives, "See, I have cleared it."

"Failure is not at all the end of your life. It is the first step to success," Afreen reflected. She said that Dream a Dream facilitators always encouraged participants to never ever give up. Though the message came from multiple sources over the years while she was at Dream a Dream, she remembers one incident in particular, when she was in the eighth standard, in 2013. There had been widely publicized a rape case in which the victim killed herself. Afreen remembers discussing the case with other girls and with the Dream a Dream facilitator, Ashwini. She remembers discussing with the other girls, "If someone does something negative to you, you should fight back. It is not the time to die. It is not the end. If you die, the ones who hurt you will only live freely, with no one to question them. So that was the moment when we learned that failure is not everything; we still have more to learn." Suchetha notes that Dream a Dream facilitators encourage participants to avoid victim shaming and remind them that if someone does something negative to them, it is not their (the victims') fault. The time and the safe space in which to discuss events that were happening in the world and what it meant to them, and how they wanted to live their lives helped Afreen and other teens to reflect and discuss openly and thoughtfully current and other immediate events that concerned them.

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Experiencing the Arc of Transformation and the Creative Risk Cycle also gave Afreen ample practice in gaining a mindset of not letting disappointments leave her despondent. As a National Cadet Corps (NCC) member, she was selected to attend a 10-day Republic Day camp. NCC is a branch of the Indian Army that has an extracurricular program in colleges. Afreen was hoping to be selected to the final camp, in Delhi, which would mean that she would not only meet the Prime Minister but that she would be marching in the Republic Day parade, a huge, nationally iconic event that takes place every year on the 26th of January. Unfortunately, however, she was not selected because of her height, which, at 5' 2", was 2 inches shorter than the required height of 5' 4". She was is appointed, but again, she remembered to not let it drag her down into the depths of despair.

She knew there were other opportunities if only she were to continue looking. For example, from her Dream a Dream days she remembered going on field trips to nearby businesses, to learn about different careers available to them. One was to Dell and another day was spent at Microsoft. People from the Indian Institute of Technology (IIT) would also come visit the school, telling the students about the different professional pathways available to them. Afreen says that these kinds of opportunities that rounded out Dream a Dream's focus on life skills such as overcoming fears, challenges, and disappointments were very helpful in instilling in her that her future was full of different possibilities. She said that Dream a Dream's opportunities to learn from a variety of sources was a good contrast and complement to her school curriculum that was traditional and focused only on what was outlined in the textbooks.

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With Dream a Dream, Afreen also became more self-assured about solving her own problems and making decisions before asking someone else. "Before coming to Dream a Dream, even if I had a small problem, I used to ask my mother, 'Mama, I have this problem; please solve this. But now, even if have a big issue, I try solving it by myself even without telling my mother." Afreen claims, "Literally I can say that my past is not my future and I am very happy about what I left" in terms of things like a fear of speaking to people, lack of focus, lack of confidence to solve problems and to make decisions. In fact, as she learned to make her own decisions, Afreen says that she chose to apply to work for Dream a Dream without telling her mother. When she showed her mother the offer letter from Dream a Dream, her mother was very surprised.

Afreen had decided to apply in part because she wanted to help her father, who had an illness with his stomach ulcer that required four surgeries. When she was in the 10th standard, he was in a very critical condition, and the doctor told the family that her father was likely in his last days. As the older child in her family, with just a younger sister, and a mother who also did not work because of problems with her back, Afreen felt that she wanted to work so that her father could stop going to work as a helper in a hardware shop. She knew that she loved working with children, so she wanted to try becoming a Dream a Dream facilitator.

Excerpted with permission from When We Thrive, Our World Thrives - Stories of Young People Growing Up With Adversity by Dr. Connie K. Chung, EdD with Vishal Talreja published by Notion Press.

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