Writing Helps Me Understand Myself Better

Yes, I am a writer. Five years ago, I couldn’t utter this, it was a heavy statement to deliver even when I was alone… But today, it defines me. Within the patriarchal society in north India, it was difficult to express your opinion, being a girl, but the pen is my weapon now and I conquer the world when I write freely. Freedom is like wings, each one of us as woman a must claim.

Writing isn’t my hobby, it’s a compulsion.

I speak most of my truths through my writing. It gives a woman, her mighty voice. It enables me to exhibit my Shakti. Some people think literature is for the vulnerable ones. They perceive vulnerability as a disability but this vulnerability brings me closer to myself and helps me understand others. I perceive and carry my vulnerability with pride. Writing gives me strength to be more humane and stay sane.

Words stir, change and transform the psyche and therefore, I consider a written word as the most powerful medium to bring change in society. So, writing isn’t just a way to express and a charming vocation, but I take it as my duty now. To be responsible, to be the change maker and highlight and bring what concerns the society through my verse and prose to the fore.

Words stir, change and transform the psyche and therefore I consider a written word as the most powerful medium to bring change in society.

Back to the year of 2012

I will take you back to the year of 2012. I was working as a deputy manager in an MNC as an IT professional when I got promoted… I became a mother of twin daughters, Mihikaa and Maansi. I quit my IT job as a conscious choice to take a break, there was no compulsion. It was my choice to be with my little dolls, 24/7 and take care of them and myself at home.

Motherhood transformed me to be a better person

In the two years that followed motherhood transformed me to be a better person, more humane and happier. I started my blog and created an FB account to connect with other moms at the playgroup and in the school. I wrote poems, on everything, the hypocrisy in society, how motherhood transformed me and so on. I performed and recited my poetry in Open Mics, contests, etc. and gained some popularity too.

After a stint of 10 years in corporate, I never missed the work as such but as domesticity engulfs you, your sense of self-worth depletes heavily. It struck me too and my confidence. I sought approval by pleasing others.

But then the applause from the audience whenever I walked on to the stage to recite uplifted my spirits. So, I wrote as writing empowered me. Then I wrote a story pouring out the pain I had buried in my heart after the untimely demise of my younger brother at the age of 17 years. My story won and I received a prize, a trip and hotel package in a luxury hotel. But more than this recognition, my prize was the catharsis. Now I write more for the process as it heals me. It helps me understand my pain. If I hadn’t written, the pain would have become an ailing wound, so writing was my personal healer.

Writing helps me understand myself better

Today, I am the author of three books. I could also help others get published through an anthology “ShetheShakti” of 300 poems by 125 poets. The awards and accolades have been overwhelming and humbling. But above all, what brings me more joy is the very act of writing, it’s like an exercise where I and some supreme power are one. It enthuses life into my dull and dry life. Suddenly there is a whiff of fresh air and I feel alive when I write. And if I have written a good piece, a deep and crisp poem or some other strong piece, I feel worthy.

I wrote a book titled, “I AM ENOUGH”. When a techie turned housewife, who is juggling between tiffin, hobby classes and household work, rises on stage and gets awarded by eminent people then she owes everything to her pen. I redeem myself through my writing. Now, some of those people who ignored me earlier, want to stay connected with me and introduce me to others with pride. What more I could ask for! The best moment was when I gave a speech in my children’s school as a Chief Guest in their assembly and all the innocent children waved to me with pride. Any corporate job would not have brought me this respect and joy which I felt that day. I have always nurtured the spirit of creativity within me and my people. And recently my daughters became authors, at ten, with their maiden book “Twinklinks”.

When a techie turned housewife, who is juggling between tiffin, hobby classes and household work, rises on stage and gets awarded by eminent people then she owes everything to her pen.

The most important reason for my writing is the sanity it brings to me. The very act of reading and writing, the process, the practice, and when I translate myself on to thoughts and words, it helps me understand myself better and the others better. To connect, to bond, to discover. The answer to all my existential dilemmas. So, the one thing I would never trade with anyone, is this power, the freedom to express, the freedom to read and write. Hence, I write.

I will conclude with a poem of mine:

Like a gust of wind,
And then it pours on paper,
Cathartic,
Write to detox that heart,
To be free within,
Write not for them,
But yourself,
Write when you can’t breathe without it,
Write to not get choked,
Do not write if it doesn’t change you,
Or it is not able to bring a change,
To produce a smile, a tear or some thought,
Don’t write if it is just an animated lot,

When I write,
That silence, that rendezvous
Is the real conversation
I have with myself
That immersion of self
When a cuckoo bird sings
And sparrows chirp in a chorus
My rendezvous with the universe

That silence when I write,
That is the only meditation I crave for,
My social spree within,
To socialize with myself and universe
In these noisy times,
Where cacophony of pictures
Mar the experiences heartfelt
That visual drama limiting the rapture
Of the feelings of this heart
Shrinking the grandeur of heart
To an album of few pictures
That epitaph got shrunk

I write to claim that freedom,
To really feel alive and light,
I write.