The Myth and Reality Of A Well-Behaved Bride in India

Singer Chinmayi Sripaada shared a matrimonial ad on Twitter, pointing out how normal it is for parents to ask for a well-behaved bride.

Sigh. Poor girl and her parents. She better be well-behaved. pic.twitter.com/iZncB1vUkW

— Chinmayi Sripaada (@Chinmayi) May 28, 2018

In the checklist which most in-laws prepare while bride hunting, "well-behaved" comes second only to fair and beautiful. A bride, who is the pinnacle of behavioural conduct by Indian standards, is what all mothers-in-law dream about. Indian girls obviously have some high standards to live up to, considering what gentlemen Indian men are.

But what on the earth does well-behaved actually mean? A soft-spoken girl, who minds her manners? Or a woman who wouldn't burp in front of her in-laws after a hefty meal? Well, in our country, being a well-behaved bride as a very different meaning.

In our society, a well-behaved bride is the one who is willing to be at her matrimonial households' mercy for the rest of her life.

She shouldn’t have a voice box, because every syllable she utters is back talk, and thus disobedience. The bride should have zero assertion powers and must follow orders without any ifs or buts.

She should repay the debt of being allowed to work after marriage, by giving her entire income into her husband’s hands. Not just that, but she must also single-handedly manage the household and put meals fit to feature in MasterChef on the dining table three times a day. A well-behaved bride never debates with her husband on silly things like consent for sex or family planning.

Sanskari, susheel bahu – a dying species

Matrimonial ads like these are also a proof of how highly parents can think of their sons. The blinkers which come exclusively attached to the umbilical cords of male children in India prevent parents from seeing any faults in their raja betas. Hence, they must find an ideal bride for him, who can match his behaviour quotient.

Alas, most mums-in-law are in for a bitter surprise when these well-behaved brides transform overnight into vixens, who manipulate their gullible sons into obedience.

They order their raja betas, who haven’t lifted their feet to fetch a fork in their life, to make tea or (gasp) clean up after themselves. These monstrous daughters-in-law fill their heads with thoughts like equality in a marriage. Such ill-mannered brides are the number one cause of a rift between demanding parents and tired of being obedient sons.

But no one questions the behaviour of the groom’s family. Their demands are endured in the name of traditions. Women are expected to carry these traditions and values without asking any questions. They are to be carriers of family prestige and good conduct. They are to parade in front of the society as unwilling representatives of the matrimonial household’s hypocritical values and earn them applause.

Instead of using misogynist standards to certify a girl as well behaved, parents and grooms should change their attitude towards women.

They need to learn that a bride is not under a gendered obligation to be well behaved under every circumstance. You have to earn it. You have to earn her affection and respect and then she will be “well behaved” around you.

Women are able to see through such ads today. They know what being "well-behaved" as a daughter in law entails. If endorsing equality in a marriage or refusing to be domesticated makes them ill-mannered, then so be it. They can wait for families who are looking for a daughter to love spontaneously. And not a mannequin to decorate with conduct, as per their liking.

Photo Credit : Independent Co.UK

Also Read : Even the Tinder Generation is Swiping Right to Arranged Marriages

Yamini Pustake Bhalerao is a writer with the SheThePeople team, in the Opinions section. The views expressed are the author’s own.