Mankeeping: Are Women Paying A Price For Men’s Increasing Loneliness?

Over the last thirty years, men's social circles have notably diminished compared to women. This change results in many men relying more on women for emotional support, a situation that some researchers argue can impose excessive pressure on women. Researchers from Stanford describe this pressure, which they refer to as “mankeeping,” in the journal Psychology of Men and Masculinities. They contend that women assume the emotional responsibility of compensating for the deficiencies in men’s social networks, as a 2019 YouGov survey revealed that one in five men claim to have no close friends.

As men’s social ties weaken, the unseen effort that women contribute to support men's emotional needs can be considerable. Angelica Ferrara, the primary author of the study and a postdoctoral scholar at the Clayman Institute for Gender Research at Stanford University, indicates that her initial findings imply that some women might dedicate several hours each week to overseeing the emotional and social wellness of the men around them. 

Rising Tide of Emotional Dependency Of Men Over Women

Ferrara and fellow researcher Dylan Vergara describe mankeeping as the “efforts that women engage in to alleviate gaps in men’s social circles and mitigate the effects of men’s loneliness.” They introduced this term about kinkeeping, a concept defined in 1985 by sociologist Carolyn Rosenthal, which refers to the various ways women work behind the scenes to maintain family connections.

Simply put, mankeeping entails any form of emotional labour that women might do to strengthen the social support accorded their male partners or friends. In doing so, she would often give without getting anything back. She would remind the men in her life to call friends or to discuss organizing a group outing.

Mankeeping also involves encouraging them to express their work-related stress while checking in on them regularly, often at the cost of sharing their challenges. Being a confidante and offering counsel without reciprocation is part of this dynamic. It has become so prevalent that it has permeated popular culture.

The paper refers to “Man Park,” a 2021 Saturday Night Live sketch featuring Pete Davidson, where women take their men to a park for socialization, akin to walking a pet. On an individual level, this emotional labour is something that people often do for their friends and family.

The concern, as suggested by Ferrara and Vergara, is that such responsibilities predominantly fall on women because men seem unable to reciprocate this support among themselves. The authors reviewed studies from nations including the US, UK, Western Europe, Canada, and Australia, uncovering evidence that men’s social circles increasingly depend on women in their lives, especially their romantic partners.

Even when heterosexual men have male connections, these relationships tend to lack depth, focusing mainly on activities, while the more profound conversations occur with female friends or romantic partners. This loneliness is not evenly distributed across genders.

Women’s social networks do not depend on men, whereas men are increasingly reliant on women. When faced with issues, women typically reach out to friends and family in addition to their partners, whereas men often turn solely to their partners for support. 

Ferrara and Vergara noted that this unevenness might lead to feelings of exhaustion for women. They suggested, “A lack of reciprocity in cross-gender problem sharing may contribute to women’s feelings of burnout or frustration regarding men’s emotional demands, although this remains unexamined.” 

Men’s difficulties in forming close emotional connections with each other are not attributed to biological differences; rather, the paper emphasizes that it is due to the “strict ideological barriers that men encounter in establishing non-romantic friendships.”

Essentially, men may fear that their male friends will perceive them as strange, gay, or weak for opening up to them. Due to women being socialised to foster emotional closeness, they are left to take on the responsibility of creating a supportive environment for men.

Loneliness In Men- An Issue Beyond Mental Health 

While men often gain from having women in their lives to manage emotional responsibilities, this arrangement is less advantageous for women. It can consume their time and affect their mental psyche negatively, and thus the couple gets an unfavourable perception of the relationship.

Ferrera and Vergara refer to studies that state that women who felt they invested more emotion than men had lesser levels of affection for their partners, and if they were married, they faced a greater chance of divorce. As I delved into this topic, I asked a few men in my circle to talk about their perspectives on mankeeping and here is what they shared.

One person said, "It's sad that men aren't allowed to gather socially but the reasons are apparent".

Another response I received was, "Men often encounter negative situations, but women bear the brunt of the impact. Don't worry; they will learn to pretend to listen just as we do when they ramble on."

In almost all relationships, one person bears the brunt of 'emotional dumping' and the other person is the supportive person. Now this isn't gender-related at all. However, it tends to be the case that the female is emotionally and practically supportive one to her partner.

The female tends to do most household schedules: plan social events, and remember family birthdays. We all know the woman who purchases a birthday card for her husband’s mother because he is likely to forget. The emotional turmoil can be exhausting.

"It is no wonder why a 2023 Gallup report found burnout rates for women have more than doubled in the last few years, mainly because of shouldering more unpaid and invisible domestic responsibilities, childcare, and eldercare." Psychotherapist and couples counsellor Hilda Burke explains that where men may struggle is when they have their own emotional needs that go unaddressed. Emotional caregiving must be reciprocal.

What This Tells Us 

Despite the difficulties that many men encounter when trying to cultivate close friendships, Ferrara remains optimistic about the future. Men’s groups are increasingly creating supportive environments where men can develop stronger relationships. By addressing male social isolation, we can promote a more equitable dynamic in which emotional support responsibilities are shared more fairly between men and women.

We must establish a space of peaceful coexistence and harmony between the male and female perspectives in relationships, where there exists a healthy sense of emotional nurturing and support, free from the toxic nuances of codependency and emotional dumping.

This article is a guest contribution by Hridya Sharma. Views expressed by the author are their own.